Going through a break up is hard*. Going through a break up without getting the
last word in is even harder. There’s so
much you want to say, but really if you were to try to speak only sobs would
erupt from your mouth volcano. I get
it. You can say, “No I really do want to
stay friends, too,” in the moment and then days later realize that’s completely
untrue. Why would I want to stay friends
with you? You are a trash monster. Sometimes I wish I could just rewind and say
all the things I really wanted to say but then it would just be the movie Click
and we all saw that turned out, am I right, Adam Sandler?
I know it isn’t about “winning” and it really never should
be. However, sometimes you just want a
little piece of REVENGE. Just a piece.
Just a sliver of that revenge pie. Don’t eat the whole pie, because
you’ll be sick in the middle of the night and probably wake up with a face
rash, but maybe just a nibble. To
revenge or not to revenge is always the question. People say that weird phrase, Let sleeping
dogs lie. No, wake that dog up! And tell him what a piece of garbage he
is. I went through a really fun phase
where I decided I needed to “express my truth” at all times. It was LUNACY for sure and I confidently believed
I was some sort of truth angel sent to earth, but in some ways it was
good. It helped me to express my desires
clearly, to state when I felt someone was treating me the wrong way, and one
time I professed my love to someone.
LOL. Honestly, live your truth
and confess to someone your pining feelings for them, but be prepared to be
returned with THEIR truth.
When I say revenge I don’t mean getting your ex-boyfriend
fired and then seeing him lying homeless in a gutter as a street urchin (THOUGH
HILARIOUS IMAGE). Sometimes it’s just
nice to see an ex-lover at a Trader Joe’s when you’ve just showered and your
hair is blow dried and your stomach looks kind of flat in your high waisted
jeans. You can think to yourself, “DAMN,
I look good and he is missing out on this fine piece of ass.” And then you can
go home and eat every last piece of the $100 of groceries you bought in one
sitting and feel great.
I know everyone says to just be the bigger person, but
sometimes I want to be that girl in the movie who storms into the coffee shop
and TELLS IT LIKE IT IS. Listen up world
it’s me, Rachel McAdams, and I have something to say (knocks over tip jar and
says, “Here’s a tip: Don’t be an asshole!”)! That just seems so much more
satisfying, doesn’t it? Granted in the
real life version of this, we’re at a CVS instead of a coffee shop and I’m
buying rash cream and have just knocked over a whole shelf of Depends, but like
still, REVENGE. (In that scenario, I
would knock over the adult diapers and scream, “I could never DEPEND on you,
you piece of SHIT!” Honestly, guys, my
writing is just MEANT for the SILVER SCREEN.
I didn’t even realize it until now).
So until the day that I confront my ex-lovers/garbage people
I will write speeches in my head and fantasize about an entire store applauding
me as I shout, “I AM A MILLION TIMES HOTTER AND FUNNIER THAN YOU. GARCON, TAKE OUT THIS TRASH.” Or I’ll just
wait it out until I forget their names and silly haircuts and then publish a
tell-all memoir that hints at just enough so they know it’s them.
*I didn't break up with my boyfriend. We are still living a PERFECT LIFE free of trash. This piece goes out to the former trash boxes across the USA.