Thursday, December 13, 2012

CRY OUT LOUD! IT'S FUN!


There's nothing like a good cry on the subway. I personally have had my fair share of public cries. I cry at the sight of a three-legged dog, a child sitting at a lunch table alone (this has occurred far too often than I would like to admit) or an especially touching extreme home makeover commercial, so it really should come as no surprise. I've teared up walking down Eighth Avenue, in the Duane Reade on 14th St, definitely in the middle of Times Square more than a few times, and once I even had a temper tantrum in Chelsea market (my apologies to the man working at Chelsea Thai who unfortunately suffered my wrath). **During the Chelsea market incident of 2011 my parents made me call the university wellness exchange, where the doctor told me it was not in fact my birth control that was making me feel weird but instead that I just needed to speak to someone because I was CRAZY. I suppose we will never know the truth.  I REFUSE to believe the doctors at the NYU student health center are even real doctors.  PROVE IT.  SHOW ME YOUR CERTIFICATE.  And don’t tell me I have “allergies” when I have pneumonia.  I digress. 

I feel no shame letting out a few audible sobs out on the 6 train. You know, there's no sadder feeling than someone telling you they hooked up with another girl and leaving you on the platform to think about what they just said DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OPEN TRAIN TRACKS.  LET IT OUT.  JUST LET IT OUT.  Who cares if the rest of the passengers scoff at your actual emotion?  THEY ARE ROBOTS. And the people who aren’t robots, the human people, will look at you sadly and you’ll feel both embarrassed and important.  I’m probably crying because I saw a baby with an eye patch (SO SCARY), but how could anyone know that?  PROVE IT.  I love to keep the public guessing! 

**Just tried to google image "baby with eye patch" but couldn't look at the photos long enough to choose one.  Add that to my list of fears.  Right under pen in the neck tracheotomy. 

I get a secret sort of satisfaction seeing other people crying on the street. Not the OMG SHE SAID SHE WAS MY FRIEND BUT LIKE LOOK AT HER IN THERE I'VE HAD SOOO MUCH SWEET TEA VODKA I WANNA KISS ANYONE kind of midnight crying but the midday silent tears streaming down your face while juggling a phone in one hand and a hot tea in the other and spilling it down the front of your sweater which only makes you cry harder and scream REALLY?? REALLY?? and shake your fists in the air as if you are in some sort of Tennessee Williams play (wait…I’m simply describing myself here). 

I just want to say, people of New York city, I am here for you.  Let your emotions run rampant.  Walk through the Union Square Holiday market alone and bawl your eyes out.  I know I will be.  You can find me taking a second sample from those people handing out fudge. 

P.S. Currently writing the Craigslist Sandy: Part 2 post. THAT is something to cry about.  

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Sundays with Craig: SPECIAL EDITION PART 1


As the general population knows, I am fascinated by craiglist.  I troll the personals section with regularity looking for that special someone whose terrible grammar or disgusting metaphors warrant a copy and paste into a file on my computer labeled “Craigslist Horrors”  (This is located directly next to “OkCupid Terrors”).  Hurricane Sandy blew in and what else was I to do but search the interwebz for my dream lover.  I figured some lonely creatures would be looking for comfort whilst stuck inside their apartments.  While my roommates and I did find a few that tickled our fancy, the postings simply weren’t creative enough for our liking.  What do you do when life gives you lemons?  You make lemonade AND write your own craigslist ad.  TAKING MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS.  MAKING LIFE HAPPEN.  
Here it is in all its glory:
Sandy makes us randy - 22 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-10-29, 4:57PM EDT

We've already exhausted all our rations, but there's one thing we forgot to pick up at CVS. Some high grade beef. Could that be you?

4 college educated, CA girls looking for a bit of excitement to break the boredom of waiting out this hurricane.

Will you come protect us from these wild winds?
Will you whisper comforting words as we shiver with fear?

Trying to stay out of the rain, but don't mind getting a little wet.

pics please. bring some sunshine to our dreary day.

Here is the actual link so you know I am for realz:

I figured we would get a few emails.  Maybe 10 tops. 

I received over 100 emails. 

I am still getting them. 

Someone emailed me mere moments ago asking if “the party was still going.”    

I have probably over 25 dick pics sitting in my inbox.  I will do a count to get exact statistics but I am still recovering from seeing them all the first time.  

**Please feel free to send me an email if you are interested.  The party is indeed still going.  It never stops.  I’ll respond right away.  Unless you send me a dick pic, which in that case I’ll run around the apartment screaming.

Stay tuned for Part 2, where I will post some of the "responses" we received.  At least now I know that Upper Manhattan is full of normal looking people who are actually BANANAGRAMS and when a guy hits on you in a bar he is secretly sending an email on his phone to what he believes to be a CA GURL ORGY DREAMLAND.  


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

10 Things I Should Know By Now (as an adult person lady peasant)


10 Things I Should Know By Now (as an adult person lady peasant) 
By Me, APLP in the year 2012

1.     How to cut in a straight line.  IT IS SURELY IMPOSSIBLE.  Is there a class I can take?  A class besides first grade? 

2.     I can say 100% of the time I forget to shave a part of my leg.  Tellest me now sweet heaven above, when will the day come when I don’t miss a good sized portion of my shin?  I mean, I really don’t have that much ground to cover, and yet it still occurs!  Also, how do you shave your knee without immediately cutting yourself?  Please send me an email straight away if you have the answer to this question.

3.     Just because someone offers you a shot of tequila does not mean you have to drink it. 

4.     Just because someone offers you a shot of jager does not mean you have to drink it. 

5.     If you put $100 in your bra you are going to forget about it.  (That is unless you put a reminder in your phone saying “YOU PUT $100 IN YOUR BRA!  DON’T FORGET”). 

6.     Just because it is sunny outside does not mean it is warm.  Do yourself a favor in the year 2012 and check the weather on the interwebz as opposed to guessing by looking out your window and examining people’s clothes (totes what they did before computers).  Also, if it is raining when you step outside and you don’t have an umbrella do not scream “FUCK IT” and run down the street just because you don’t want to have to walk back up the stairs to your apartment. 

7.     Being lactose intolerant means your body is INTOLERANT to dairy.  Dairy is in fact in ice cream.  You should not eat ice cream even if you believe “this time” it will be okay.  There is never a “this time.”  There is always a “NO DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THE ICE CREAM IT WILL HURT YOU IMMENSELY IT IS NOT WORTH IT SO MUCH PAIN YOU WILL CRY AND BE MAD AT YOURSELF WHY WHY WHY ORGANS FAILING” time. 

8.     WebMD will only bring you sorrow. 

9.     Texting/flirting (Flirtexting? Terxting? Flexting?  Those all make me want to barf) is not that hard.  You do not need to run around the apartment in your underwear screaming that you are going to vomit from all the stress and throwing your phone on the floor every time it buzzes.  HAHAHHAA THIS ONE IS TOTALLY A JOKE.  WHO DOES THAT?  HAHAHAHA AMIRITE?????

10.  The playlist you composed and titled “Hide the Knives” on Spotify can never be listened to while alone  and/or should probably be deleted for your own mental well-being.  

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Sundays with Craig: Part 2


Having a rough day so far...can you cheer me up and show me your tits? - m4w - 27 (Financial District) 
Date: 2012-08-14, 12:45PM EDT

Today has gone from bad to worse, and it not even 2 pm yet. Just hoping a kind soul can make it a little bit better and either chat, or show me some beautiful tits to make it a little bit better today.

Thanks
   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3205044982

Dear Grumpy McGrumplestein, 

I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough day :( :( :( Not even 2 PM and you are already posting a tits ad on craigslist?  Man, it must be super rough at the office today.  Instead of asking random girls to show you their boobs may I suggest the following uplifting activities:

Take a yoga class
Treat yourself to some frozen yogurt
Watch a funny cat video on the internet
Do pretty much anything other than posting a sad request for titty time on the internet 

Love, 
Not showing you my tits EVER IN A MILLION YEARS 


bored chasidish man in the country - m4w - 25 (country)
Date: 2012-08-14, 12:36AM EDT

hi im 25 chasidish jewis married in the country all week i have a car and really bored at night i owuld love to make a friend and just have some fun
if ur in the mountains and bored please hit me up u never know
very very discrete
   Location: country
   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3204234252

Dear Chasidish Murderer, 

I have a lot of questions for you.  

1) Are you Chasidic or just Chasid-ish?  
2) Are you in the country meaning USA or the country a la a weekend in the country a la A Little Night Music (I LOVE THEATRE!  SO WHAT??? I'm so Aaron Sorkin right now)
3) Are you going to murder me?  
Oh wait I can answer that for myself.  Yes, definitely yes.  

I happen to be in the mountains because I live in a cave as a witch.  Witches can get bored too ;)  See you soon Jewis.  

xoxo
MOUNTAIN WITCH 


virgin for virgin - m4w - 23
Date: 2012-08-14, 7:13AM EDT

a real virgin in new york looking for any girl thats interested in a virgin guy. hit me up

please speak some hebrew or russian thanks and know how to dance salsa

   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3156202617

Dear Virgin Guy, 

I've been encountering fake virgins all over the city, but finally a real one!  HOW CAN YOU PROVE IT?  Please email me a copy of your Virgin license.  

It doesn't matter really, because unfortunately, I'm just a regular girl lacking any special skills.  I hope you find a hebrew/russian speaking, salsa queen virgin that can make your clearly very specific dreams come true! 

xoxo
ME


FATHER FIGURE - m4w - 46 (NYC/Long Island)
Date: 2012-08-13, 12:57PM EDT

Seeking a woman I can be a father-figure to. I am a mature 46-year-old man with my own apartment on the ocean on Long Island. I am here to listen to you, support you emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I am the one you have been seeking to help you with all those life problems. I have experience in many areas and have a lot of common sense from simply living a spiritual life. I am safe to be with and will comfort and take care of you. Come and let's build a bond together. Love, Dad
   Location: NYC/Long Island
   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3202724139

Dear Dad, 
Someone with experience in many areas and common sense?  Huzzah! Hello Papa!

May I ask what areas?  Taxidermy?  Dog nail painting?  Animal husbandry?  Bagel making?  Please specify so I can see if we are the right fit.  

Love, 
Your future daughter/sex slave

Just want to eat pussy - 42 (bklyn)
Date: 2012-08-20, 12:58AM EDT
Reply to this post

I love to eat pussy and that all I want to do. If your interested please email me,

   Location: bklyn
   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3167292743

Dear Sir, 

Please see my response to Tits McGoo from above.  I gave him a lot of great suggestions for fun activities.  You need to diversify your interests!  Catch a Broadway show!  Hit up the Natural History Museum!  Walk the Highline!  There are more things out there than Pussy.  I know it's hard to believe and I know "that all [you] want to do," but trust me on this one.  

Love, 
Baby McGoo (Not related to Tits) 



Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sundays with Craig


I LOVE CRAIGSLIST.  It is a treasure trove of terrors.  And I am not ashamed to spend hours trolling that treasure chest searching for gems like these.  Here's some rough drafts of responses I'm thinking about sending.  Feel free to email these awesome dudes yourselves if you find something you like ;) 

Redhead - m4w - 33 (CT)
Date: 2012-08-04, 3:11PM EDT

I love redheads. If you are a redhead, pls contact. I will do anything for you.

Thx
Al

Dear Al,
I’m super glad you wrote this vague post on craigslist.  I’ve been looking for someone who loves redheads and will do anything for me.  I am a readhead and I have a lot to get done.  For starters, I have around 4 dresses I need to be hand washed.  You may do that.  I also need to change the sheets on my bed but am not really feeling like getting up off them so I can do so.  You may lift me up off of them, set me gently on the couch, feed me chocolate covered cherries, and then make my bed.  I’m also very curious about what baby pigeons look like.  Please find one for me and bring it to me to examine. 

Let me knw. Thx
Hannah

P.S. I love that you don’t use vowels.  SO MYSTERIOUS AND UNIQUE. 


I want an Indian or Guyanese girlfriend - m4w - 28 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-04, 12:00PM EDT

Always have been attracted to brown girls. I'm east Asian, decently tall. I know this is superficial but please be slim- only because I am.

YOLO
(You only love once)

Dear Slim Asian,

Unfortunately I’m not a slim Indian or Guyanese lady so we cannot be lovers. Please don’t stop reading simply due to that fact and allow me a chance to be your snow white queen.  I must commend you on the use of your phrase “YOLO.”  You really sealed the deal for me by adding that at the end of your post.  I wasn’t sure at first (decently tall is code for 5’5’’ right?) but the ending really spoke to me. I too believe “you only love once.” Why not seek out that love on an anonymous craigslist posting?  Why can’t a slim, decently tall, Asian find his one true love on a free, unregulated, sketchy website? 

YGSA
(You go slim Asian)

This next dude clearly goes to different doctors's funerals to pick up ladies. I’m not sure it is working. 



Brian Miller MD Funeral - m4w - 45 (Midtown East)
Date: 2012-08-03, 7:26AM EDT

We saw each other at the ophthalmologist's funeral
Would love to speak to you

Dear Funeral Lover,

Ah yes, the opthamologist.  May he rest in peace.  But more importantly, LET’S FUCK. 

AND FINALLY.  THE ANSWER I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR!!!!

Any nice Jewish woman need assistance ? - 40 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-06, 5:07PM EDT


Did papa pull back his shoe money suport
this year do to a poor Econ.

Well have no fear i am here to help busty woman
18-30 , please be nice and kind of normal.

I am a 6ft 40 yr member of the tribe in great shape
looking for NSA safe fun.

I will offer up to 400 per meeting.

No pic , no reply
NO       It's not okay to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3188190176

$400 per meeting for being “nice and kind of normal????” THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME.  SIGN ME UP