One of my favorite things is flying. I'm sorry, did I say favorite? I meant absolute least favorite. Not simply because I have terrible sinuses that cause my entire head to ache as we land, but because for some reason I am always on flights with crazy people. Not just "oops I dropped my bag on your head" crazy people, but "oops my cat got out of its bag, oh that's okay, he's very friendly, you have allergies? what a shame" crazy people.
Without fail, a unique character like Tanya, looking like a mixture of Alice Cooper and Cookie Monster and offering me a glass of wine from the bottle she brought, will consistently be placed next to me. On my last flight Tanya was fortunately distracted by Elvis from Columbia (now living in Utah...yes he drinks, Tanya made sure to ask about that), and apparently a part time counselor for women who have an extreme fear of flying.
One of my favorite parts about flying is how people suddenly lose all sense of manners and emotional control the minute they board the plane. Normal functioning humans suddenly become monsters the minute something doesn't go as planned. Last night, we had already boarded the plane later than expected so when we didn't take off right away, everyone was already on edge. A young hipster looking woman with a J. Lo hat couldn't fit her cat's carrying container under the seat and immediately began shouting to the flight attendant across the aircraft. It was then decided they should move the cat into a carrying bag so it could be easier smushed under the seat. I proceeded with horror to watch them attempt to wrangle the cat into the bag. I hope it lived through the flight.
Once that ordeal was settled, a Jet Blue worker announced the First Officer had not arrived yet so we would have a 30 minute delay. The way the man behind me howled with anger was as if the woman had said she was going to kill us in 30 minutes. The entire plane roared with shouts of "COME ON LADY." 30 minutes sucks, I'll agree, but no need to sass, especially with the extra sass of adding lady at the end of the sentence.
Then to top it all off, a young Justin Bieber/Fred Savage combo (it was terrifying) with large earrings (why?) needed to stuff his Bloomingdale's bag in the overhead compartment, but the door wouldn't close. So LADY had to start rearranging bags around. HORRIFYING. HOW COULD SHE. HOW DARE SHE. WHAT A WITCH. The man behind me would not have it. "But my bag was here first? I put it here on purpose. Now I'll have to go get it somewhere else! PUT IT BACK!" he shouted. Mind you, my bag was 4 rows behind me and I was sitting in my seat silently. His wife joined in on the fight. "PUT IT BACK. PUT IT BACK." Lady was not having it and did not try to hide it. The next moments proceeded as such:
LADY: Relax. It's just a bag.
BAG MAN: JUST A BAG? THERE ARE BREAKABLE ITEMS IN THERE.
BAG MAN WIFE: It's not just a bag. Put it back. (She really had nothing original to add to the conversation).
LADY: Sir, I'm not breaking your items. Look. I'm just moving it.
BAG MAN: Yeah, moving it so that other guy can have his bag there. That makes no sense!
LADY: Sir, I'm just doing my job. Relax, ok. Relax.
I'm not sure she understood the more that you tell a crazy person to relax the more the weird aliens in their brain start getting angrier. This continued for a while, with the man becoming more like a character from an SNL sketch and the Jet Blue lady becoming more and more incredibly pissed.
Fortunately, my only issue was that the woman next to me was wearing a weird Chico's drapey bat sleeve dress that kept covering my remote control. I had to remove her sleeve every 10 minutes to change the channel. She was pretty mad, but I'd be mad too if I was wearing that weird outfit.