Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Broadway is like sooooo hard

I'm very behind on episodes.  I've been so busy actually attempting to do musical theatre that I haven't been able to watch this fake version of Broadway they put on NBC.  I am attempting to catch up so my deepest apologies.  Let's start with "The Cost of Art"(Barftown on the title choice).  

My general take away from this episode is that Broadway is the worst.  Everyone is super mean (well except for they become nice after you have a panic attack and they feel badly for bullying you...then they will teach you about LaDucas and all will be well...but I digress).  If the star doesn't like you, you are pretty much dead to everyone. Don't sing too loudly or too close to anyone else.  Don't wear tennis shoes.  

Meekest of mice

I appreciate the creators of the show thinking I am either a baby or an idiot or a baby idiot and spelling out everything so clearly.  McSleepy wore tennis shoes to the first rehearsal instead of character shoes like everyone else.  SHE KNOWS NOTHING.  SHE IS SO NOT BROADWAY.  I mean, SHE BROUGHT A FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH FOR LUNCH.  DUH.  Ivy is the true Broadway star.  She eats out in Times Square and wouldn't be caught dead with carbs.  

I wish I could scan and post the notes I took while watching the show, because I feel they accurately capture the terror and tension I feel while watching.  I can barely make out some of them but furiously scribbled on one page is  "GAZING. SO MUCH GAZING" and "SCARF? BOA? IT KILLS ME."  I'm going to allow the rest of this entry to be stream of consciousness to accurately depict my thought process while watching this episode.  

Speaking of this scarf/boa/fur vest number...Debra Debra Debra.  NO.  That is unacceptable.  We get it. You are a kooky playwright.  Are you also a teenager who shops at Strawberry and thinks boys will find you attractive if you wear that magenta roadkill over your shoulders?  THE ANSWER IS NO.  

 Sweet Jesus apparently this is not a one time occurrence...

I feel as if I should have taken more notes during the scene where they told McSleepy what Broadway people wear.  Now, I've never been to a Broadway rehearsal...but I'm not certain that cutoff sweatshirts, fishnets, and high tops are what the cool kids are wearing down at How to Succeed.  Or maybe I've just been wearing the wrong clothes to dance calls.  (Who am I kidding? DANCE CALLS? HAHAHAHA.  They'll just help me fake my way through it.  Am I right McSleepy?  HIYO)

Just a thought, is there a way to logically get people to sing without making them go to karaoke?  I'm no TV writer, but really how often do normal people go to karaoke?  Another thought, should I be reading THE TRADES?  Everybody is talking about these damn trades.  Does anyone actually say this besides fake theatre people?  

Let's talk about Dev.  Dev Dev Dev.  He talks about arrests and DWIs and McSleepy is talking about dance numbers.  Cut to future scene where he says, "It's just a musical.  It's not the end of the world" and she screams "YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME OR WHAT I DO."  However kudos to the writers for including the ultimate dream of every young actress: having a normal non-actor boyfriend who will buy all her actor friends drinks.  Now that I will buy. It sucks that people are being mean to McSleepy but she also has a crazy rich boyfriend and a massive apartment.  Just live there, lounge in that massive bed, and give Skype voice lessons or something.  

I'm scared as to where this show is heading.  It feels both exceedingly crazy and boring at the same time.  There are almost so many subplots they all cancel each other out so I don't care about anything.  But lyke I loooove Nick Jonas so lyke I totally hope he comes baaaack amiright ladiezzzz and I'm lyke totally gonna keep watching and hope lyke Selena Gomez is on the nexxxt episode and sings "Teenage Dream." I apologize.  This show brings out the crazy in me.    

I'd like to leave you with these words spoken by the one and only Angelika Huston: 

"I was looking at past happiness.  You're my happiness now."  
SOMEONE ACTUALLY HAD THE AUDACITY TO MAKE HER SAY THAT.  I'd like to also share that in my notes scribbled next to that is "CART HER AWAY."  CART HER AWAY PLEASE.  TO WHERE I DO NOT CARE.  

Gossip Squirrel

Friday, March 2, 2012

Adam Sandler Needs to Be Stopped

Sometimes after a long day of work you just have to sit in your bra and sweatpants at your computer and watch movie trailers online for 2 hours instead of learning a monologue.  (I AM VERY ALONE AND VERY LAZY).  Today, I learned that the future of cinema is in extreme danger.

"That's My Boy" a new "movie" featuring Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg

As Adam Sandler gets older, my hatred for him grows stronger.  I'll be honest, when I was 13 I watched "Mr. Deeds" on TBS 200 times and peed myself with laughter. But now the thought of even sitting through 10 minutes of "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" or the terrifying horror film that was "Jack and Jill" makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork.  Not just a fork, a rusty fork.  Possibly even covered in someone else's blood who had to sit through "Jack and Jill" before me and stabbed his or her self to end the suffering .

"That's my Boy" looks incredible.  And by incredible I mean it is incredible that people actually read the script and thought, yes this looks great, let's produce this, and show this to humans.  First off, Adam Sandler is barely even committing to a character.  Give him weird hair and a nodesy growly vaguely New York(?) accent and BAM somehow he is a real actor.  I feel like he just shows up on set and decides what he's going to do 5 minutes before they shoot.  "Crazy voice. Check. Girls with massive tits. Check. LET'S SHOOT." Secondly, in the trailer there is the ultimate trifecta of blood, vomit, and semen, so clearly this is going to be a really classy affair.  Bodily fluids= instant hilarity, DUH.  And finally, most importantly, is the person with the enormous boobs and nipple tassels (YES. THIS IS REAL) a woman or a man?  Can't wait until the movie comes out so I can find out.

Release date: June 15, 2012
Day of apocalypse: June 15, 2012