Monday, April 2, 2012

I Am Who I Am


I watched this episode, "Let's Be Bad, " twice because the first time I watched it I found a bag of hint of lime tostitos in my kitchen and couldn’t hear the dialogue over my crunching.  Accept me for who I am.  At least I was eating, which is something that McSleepy clearly doesn’t do.  I realize that I’ve been so concerned with her lack of sleep I’ve completely disregarded another life necessity: FOOD.   She must be anemic!  She’s so frail and weak because she isn’t getting enough iron.  That or dementors are trying to kill her on set.  They haven’t planted the kiss of death on her yet but they are just close enough to her that all of her happiness and energy slips away and she senses the deep sadness of death.  Just a theory. 

The ultimate was when Derek, the director, called on McSleepy during rehearsal to show Ivy how to sing Marilyn’s vibrato (honestly all he could have said was be breathier and more dead and she would have been fine).  “Do what?” McSleepy asks.  She has literally fallen asleep in rehearsal and just woken up from a nap.  “THE VIBRATO.  THE VIBRATO!” he screams. SINGING TERMS.  “The what? You want me to, what?” she whispers.  I mean he can’t really blame her, she is just so tired and needs to catch some sleep wherever she can.  Finally, she sings it and is as lifeless and skeletal as ever.  Literally written in my notes TWICE is “LIFELESS SKELETON.”  Yes, I am cruel and judgmental.  Again, accept me for who I am. 

SULLEN TEEN

Let me stop attacking Katherine McPhee for two seconds and focus on another character.  Who is this Leo fellow?  The son of Brian D’Arcy James and Debra Messing stepped off the set of the Departed and floated on over to Smash.  Where did his accent come from?  I also can’t tell if he is 15 or secretly 40.  More importantly, WHO BRINGS A VAPE TO CENTRAL PARK?  He should have been arrested because that is just plain stupid.  Thank goodness for Tom’s new lover (sexiii…I can’t believe I typed that but I’m going to keep it …I’m not ashamed) busting him out of jail.  I mean Tom couldn’t do it because he’d still be trying to “tap dance him out of jail.”  TEEHEE TEEHEE  I iz musician but I iz dumb. I can do nuthing but play songz  and twirl around 4 u.  UGH. 

Then finally the moment we all have been waiting for happened.  Katherine McPhee sang “It’s a Man’s Man’s World” alone in her bedroom.  Oh, that’s not what you were expecting?  Because I’ve been waiting weeks to see her stuff a blush brush down her boobs and strip down to her underwear.  It’s like totally essential to the plot.  They really needed this scene.  I totally understand her character now.  Just like how I totally understand that she needs to eat a fucking sandwich STAT.  Seriously, you could see each of her vertebrae.  THAT AIN’T CUTE AND THAT AIN’T BROADWAY.  I’m trademarking that phrase.  Look for t-shirts soon.  But let’s be real for a second.  I am so sick of these actresses whining about how they aren’t sexy.  Save that schtick for the rest of us who don’t weigh 2 pounds and look like models.  If Emma Stone tries to convince me and Ryan Gosling she’s awkward and not pretty one more time, I will slit my throat.  I digress. 
Casual Leg Lift 

Oh also, did you guys see that Lakers game?  Man, Kobe is a fucking beast on the court.  I LOVE SPORTS.  NO DUDE, I LOVE SPORTS.  SPORTS ARE AWESOME.  DID YOU HEAR ME? I LOVE SPORTS.  It’s great that they are trying to push for a not “stereotypically” gay character, but they are literally pushing me against a wall trying to bang it into my head.  HE’S GAY AND HE LIKES SPORTS.  WE GET IT.  But at this point it’s just weird that he talks about it so much. 

And finally.  OF COURSE YOUR SON IS GOING TO SEE YOU CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND IF THE DUDE YOU ARE CHEATING ON HIM WITH IS BELTING A SONG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AT 2 AM.  Try not to be so resonant next time Will Chase.  Though I do admit, YEAAAAAHHHHH I’d be down.  And I hate myself.  ACCEPT ME PLEASE. TOSTITOS, JUDGMENT, YEAAAHHHSSS, AND ALL. 
YEAAAHHHH

P.S. I secretly really liked the "Let's Be Bad" full number.  Perhaps some sort of witchcraft has occurred.  
     

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