Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Sundays with Craig: Part 2

Having a rough day so far...can you cheer me up and show me your tits? - m4w - 27 (Financial District) 
Date: 2012-08-14, 12:45PM EDT

Today has gone from bad to worse, and it not even 2 pm yet. Just hoping a kind soul can make it a little bit better and either chat, or show me some beautiful tits to make it a little bit better today.

   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3205044982

Dear Grumpy McGrumplestein, 

I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough day :( :( :( Not even 2 PM and you are already posting a tits ad on craigslist?  Man, it must be super rough at the office today.  Instead of asking random girls to show you their boobs may I suggest the following uplifting activities:

Take a yoga class
Treat yourself to some frozen yogurt
Watch a funny cat video on the internet
Do pretty much anything other than posting a sad request for titty time on the internet 

Not showing you my tits EVER IN A MILLION YEARS 

bored chasidish man in the country - m4w - 25 (country)
Date: 2012-08-14, 12:36AM EDT

hi im 25 chasidish jewis married in the country all week i have a car and really bored at night i owuld love to make a friend and just have some fun
if ur in the mountains and bored please hit me up u never know
very very discrete
   Location: country
   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3204234252

Dear Chasidish Murderer, 

I have a lot of questions for you.  

1) Are you Chasidic or just Chasid-ish?  
2) Are you in the country meaning USA or the country a la a weekend in the country a la A Little Night Music (I LOVE THEATRE!  SO WHAT??? I'm so Aaron Sorkin right now)
3) Are you going to murder me?  
Oh wait I can answer that for myself.  Yes, definitely yes.  

I happen to be in the mountains because I live in a cave as a witch.  Witches can get bored too ;)  See you soon Jewis.  


virgin for virgin - m4w - 23
Date: 2012-08-14, 7:13AM EDT

a real virgin in new york looking for any girl thats interested in a virgin guy. hit me up

please speak some hebrew or russian thanks and know how to dance salsa

   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3156202617

Dear Virgin Guy, 

I've been encountering fake virgins all over the city, but finally a real one!  HOW CAN YOU PROVE IT?  Please email me a copy of your Virgin license.  

It doesn't matter really, because unfortunately, I'm just a regular girl lacking any special skills.  I hope you find a hebrew/russian speaking, salsa queen virgin that can make your clearly very specific dreams come true! 


FATHER FIGURE - m4w - 46 (NYC/Long Island)
Date: 2012-08-13, 12:57PM EDT

Seeking a woman I can be a father-figure to. I am a mature 46-year-old man with my own apartment on the ocean on Long Island. I am here to listen to you, support you emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I am the one you have been seeking to help you with all those life problems. I have experience in many areas and have a lot of common sense from simply living a spiritual life. I am safe to be with and will comfort and take care of you. Come and let's build a bond together. Love, Dad
   Location: NYC/Long Island
   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3202724139

Dear Dad, 
Someone with experience in many areas and common sense?  Huzzah! Hello Papa!

May I ask what areas?  Taxidermy?  Dog nail painting?  Animal husbandry?  Bagel making?  Please specify so I can see if we are the right fit.  

Your future daughter/sex slave

Just want to eat pussy - 42 (bklyn)
Date: 2012-08-20, 12:58AM EDT
Reply to this post

I love to eat pussy and that all I want to do. If your interested please email me,

   Location: bklyn
   it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3167292743

Dear Sir, 

Please see my response to Tits McGoo from above.  I gave him a lot of great suggestions for fun activities.  You need to diversify your interests!  Catch a Broadway show!  Hit up the Natural History Museum!  Walk the Highline!  There are more things out there than Pussy.  I know it's hard to believe and I know "that all [you] want to do," but trust me on this one.  

Baby McGoo (Not related to Tits) 

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sundays with Craig

I LOVE CRAIGSLIST.  It is a treasure trove of terrors.  And I am not ashamed to spend hours trolling that treasure chest searching for gems like these.  Here's some rough drafts of responses I'm thinking about sending.  Feel free to email these awesome dudes yourselves if you find something you like ;) 

Redhead - m4w - 33 (CT)
Date: 2012-08-04, 3:11PM EDT

I love redheads. If you are a redhead, pls contact. I will do anything for you.


Dear Al,
I’m super glad you wrote this vague post on craigslist.  I’ve been looking for someone who loves redheads and will do anything for me.  I am a readhead and I have a lot to get done.  For starters, I have around 4 dresses I need to be hand washed.  You may do that.  I also need to change the sheets on my bed but am not really feeling like getting up off them so I can do so.  You may lift me up off of them, set me gently on the couch, feed me chocolate covered cherries, and then make my bed.  I’m also very curious about what baby pigeons look like.  Please find one for me and bring it to me to examine. 

Let me knw. Thx

P.S. I love that you don’t use vowels.  SO MYSTERIOUS AND UNIQUE. 

I want an Indian or Guyanese girlfriend - m4w - 28 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-04, 12:00PM EDT

Always have been attracted to brown girls. I'm east Asian, decently tall. I know this is superficial but please be slim- only because I am.

(You only love once)

Dear Slim Asian,

Unfortunately I’m not a slim Indian or Guyanese lady so we cannot be lovers. Please don’t stop reading simply due to that fact and allow me a chance to be your snow white queen.  I must commend you on the use of your phrase “YOLO.”  You really sealed the deal for me by adding that at the end of your post.  I wasn’t sure at first (decently tall is code for 5’5’’ right?) but the ending really spoke to me. I too believe “you only love once.” Why not seek out that love on an anonymous craigslist posting?  Why can’t a slim, decently tall, Asian find his one true love on a free, unregulated, sketchy website? 

(You go slim Asian)

This next dude clearly goes to different doctors's funerals to pick up ladies. I’m not sure it is working. 

Brian Miller MD Funeral - m4w - 45 (Midtown East)
Date: 2012-08-03, 7:26AM EDT

We saw each other at the ophthalmologist's funeral
Would love to speak to you

Dear Funeral Lover,

Ah yes, the opthamologist.  May he rest in peace.  But more importantly, LET’S FUCK. 


Any nice Jewish woman need assistance ? - 40 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-06, 5:07PM EDT

Did papa pull back his shoe money suport
this year do to a poor Econ.

Well have no fear i am here to help busty woman
18-30 , please be nice and kind of normal.

I am a 6ft 40 yr member of the tribe in great shape
looking for NSA safe fun.

I will offer up to 400 per meeting.

No pic , no reply
NO       It's not okay to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3188190176

$400 per meeting for being “nice and kind of normal????” THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME.  SIGN ME UP