Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sundays with Craig

I LOVE CRAIGSLIST.  It is a treasure trove of terrors.  And I am not ashamed to spend hours trolling that treasure chest searching for gems like these.  Here's some rough drafts of responses I'm thinking about sending.  Feel free to email these awesome dudes yourselves if you find something you like ;) 

Redhead - m4w - 33 (CT)
Date: 2012-08-04, 3:11PM EDT

I love redheads. If you are a redhead, pls contact. I will do anything for you.


Dear Al,
I’m super glad you wrote this vague post on craigslist.  I’ve been looking for someone who loves redheads and will do anything for me.  I am a readhead and I have a lot to get done.  For starters, I have around 4 dresses I need to be hand washed.  You may do that.  I also need to change the sheets on my bed but am not really feeling like getting up off them so I can do so.  You may lift me up off of them, set me gently on the couch, feed me chocolate covered cherries, and then make my bed.  I’m also very curious about what baby pigeons look like.  Please find one for me and bring it to me to examine. 

Let me knw. Thx

P.S. I love that you don’t use vowels.  SO MYSTERIOUS AND UNIQUE. 

I want an Indian or Guyanese girlfriend - m4w - 28 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-04, 12:00PM EDT

Always have been attracted to brown girls. I'm east Asian, decently tall. I know this is superficial but please be slim- only because I am.

(You only love once)

Dear Slim Asian,

Unfortunately I’m not a slim Indian or Guyanese lady so we cannot be lovers. Please don’t stop reading simply due to that fact and allow me a chance to be your snow white queen.  I must commend you on the use of your phrase “YOLO.”  You really sealed the deal for me by adding that at the end of your post.  I wasn’t sure at first (decently tall is code for 5’5’’ right?) but the ending really spoke to me. I too believe “you only love once.” Why not seek out that love on an anonymous craigslist posting?  Why can’t a slim, decently tall, Asian find his one true love on a free, unregulated, sketchy website? 

(You go slim Asian)

This next dude clearly goes to different doctors's funerals to pick up ladies. I’m not sure it is working. 

Brian Miller MD Funeral - m4w - 45 (Midtown East)
Date: 2012-08-03, 7:26AM EDT

We saw each other at the ophthalmologist's funeral
Would love to speak to you

Dear Funeral Lover,

Ah yes, the opthamologist.  May he rest in peace.  But more importantly, LET’S FUCK. 


Any nice Jewish woman need assistance ? - 40 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-06, 5:07PM EDT

Did papa pull back his shoe money suport
this year do to a poor Econ.

Well have no fear i am here to help busty woman
18-30 , please be nice and kind of normal.

I am a 6ft 40 yr member of the tribe in great shape
looking for NSA safe fun.

I will offer up to 400 per meeting.

No pic , no reply
NO       It's not okay to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3188190176

$400 per meeting for being “nice and kind of normal????” THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME.  SIGN ME UP

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