Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Happy Holidays: The Tony Awards

An interaction at my place of work yesterday

Customer: Are the Tony Awards cupcakes different?
Me: It's the same recipe, but it has a special Tony Awards decoration on top of it.
Customer: Why?
Me: Well, we are celebrating the Tony awards!
Customer: Did it win a Tony?
Me: ...The cupcake?
Customer: Yeah
Me: Um. No.

I was HORRIFIED.  HOW COULD A CUPCAKE WIN A TONY AWARD?  The nominees are Patti Lupone, Audra McDonald, Kelli O'Hara, and Red Velvet.

Sometimes I forget that the rest of the world watches Wipe Out and has no idea what musical theatre even is.  I personally spend most of the Tony's crying over how I will never make it and convincing myself that I am completely and utterly talentless (I'm really fun).  If someone has a particularly inspiring speech, I then convince myself I am god's gift to theatre and plan my speech.  Let's be real, I definitely have been doing theatre long enough that I know the structure of how it will all go down.  Shock and Awe when they call my name.  Sutton Foster, who was also nominated, will stand up and give the camera one of those "I knew she'd win, but I'm so happy, because she was the one who truly deserved it" looks.  I will awkwardly stumble to the stage in shock, hugging Norm Lewis, Audra, Sondheim, etc. etc. along the way.  I'll probably trip over something, but the crowd will find it endearing and special, laughing to themselves and saying, "Oh Hannah. How rich."  My speech will include some hilarious anecdotes from my youth, a few choked back tears, and probably some sort of YOU GO GIRL YOU CAN DO IT EVEN IF PEOPLE SAY YOU ARE FAT AND UNTALENTED sort of message.  Just some thoughts I had...Oh and also my dear, sweet boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, will be tearing up in the audience.  Then after the ceremony he will take me to a lake filled with swans where we will ride in a canoe and get caught in a craaaazy rainstorm.  And he'll be like I WROTE YOU EVERY DAY.  And I'll be like UH-UH NO YOU DIDNT.  I NEVER GOT YOUR LETTERS.  And then I will wake up and realize I have been in a mental institution all along....SCENE.

He is so excited for me

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Reality Check


WHY THIS ISN’T REAL

 “SING OFF”
Broadway people don’t have singoffs.  Everyone thinks they are a better singer than everyone else, but you aren’t allowed to say that aloud.  You just tell them their belt is like so fucking fierce, while in your head you are plotting ways to rip out their vocal chords.

“I’M IN TECH”
I suppose because this is apparently Sleepy’s first tech she doesn’t really understand, but this is no answer to a marriage proposal.  It’s no answer to anything.  Karen, could you grab me a coffee on your way…I’m in tech.  Karen, Grandma would really love to hear from you, it’s her 85th birthday…I said, I’m in tech.  Karen, your sister needs a bone marrow transplant and you are a match…no no no, I’m in tech, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND.  Karen, Karen, Karen, don’t you understand?  YOU ARE IN THEATRE.  You will never find another straight man again.  Hold onto that sexy Indian civilian for as long as you can.

GRAND CENTRAL
Grand Central is not romantic.  I’m not sure what McSleepy is in awe of…It is a terrible place.  No one is excited to be there.  Also, how are they getting to Boston from Grand Central?  Please someone tell me because I’d love to not have to take a janky ass 5 hour bus ride next time.

ANJELICA HUSTON HAVING SEX
I just can’t. 

I knew I shouldn't have googled "Anjelica huston sex," but once I saw the photo I had to share it.  I'm a horrible person.  But you knew that. 


My main issue with the show is that I don’t believe a single one of the characters.  None of them are three dimensional in any way.  Karen is dumb and innocent and does dumb and innocent things.  Ellis is the spawn of satan and does spawn of satany things.  And if Uma Thurman was that shitty and that annoying I don’t care how famous she is, she would not be in the show.  WRITE CHARACTERS THAT ARE REAL PEOPLE.  PLEASE.  AND HIRE AN ACTRESS WHO CAN STAY AWAKE DURING FILMING. 

Sidenote:

I can’t pretend the infamous Bollywood Extravaganza of 2012 didn’t occur.  As much as I’d like to forget it, it has to be addressed.  Truly, the amount of texts and emails I received after this episode was outrageous.  You’d have thought Ellis finally died or something (still crossing my fingers Patti Lupone chokes him before the season is over).  I have a confession to make.  I love the song.  I downloaded it and listen to it as I walk down the street.  I dance alone to it in my room, screaming, “WILL YOU SHOWER ME WITH RICHEEEEEEEEEES?”  I can’t believe it either.  I always feel embarrassed when listening to it on the subway as if someone will lean over, hear it blasting through my headphones and I’ll have to make up some story about how I was really listening to Mumford and Sons or something trendy and my dumb sister put that on there.  Kudos on the song, but please tell me how the fuck that was relevant to anything.  

His first wish is clearly for someone to save him and help him escape