Wednesday, October 24, 2012

10 Things I Should Know By Now (as an adult person lady peasant)


10 Things I Should Know By Now (as an adult person lady peasant) 
By Me, APLP in the year 2012

1.     How to cut in a straight line.  IT IS SURELY IMPOSSIBLE.  Is there a class I can take?  A class besides first grade? 

2.     I can say 100% of the time I forget to shave a part of my leg.  Tellest me now sweet heaven above, when will the day come when I don’t miss a good sized portion of my shin?  I mean, I really don’t have that much ground to cover, and yet it still occurs!  Also, how do you shave your knee without immediately cutting yourself?  Please send me an email straight away if you have the answer to this question.

3.     Just because someone offers you a shot of tequila does not mean you have to drink it. 

4.     Just because someone offers you a shot of jager does not mean you have to drink it. 

5.     If you put $100 in your bra you are going to forget about it.  (That is unless you put a reminder in your phone saying “YOU PUT $100 IN YOUR BRA!  DON’T FORGET”). 

6.     Just because it is sunny outside does not mean it is warm.  Do yourself a favor in the year 2012 and check the weather on the interwebz as opposed to guessing by looking out your window and examining people’s clothes (totes what they did before computers).  Also, if it is raining when you step outside and you don’t have an umbrella do not scream “FUCK IT” and run down the street just because you don’t want to have to walk back up the stairs to your apartment. 

7.     Being lactose intolerant means your body is INTOLERANT to dairy.  Dairy is in fact in ice cream.  You should not eat ice cream even if you believe “this time” it will be okay.  There is never a “this time.”  There is always a “NO DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THE ICE CREAM IT WILL HURT YOU IMMENSELY IT IS NOT WORTH IT SO MUCH PAIN YOU WILL CRY AND BE MAD AT YOURSELF WHY WHY WHY ORGANS FAILING” time. 

8.     WebMD will only bring you sorrow. 

9.     Texting/flirting (Flirtexting? Terxting? Flexting?  Those all make me want to barf) is not that hard.  You do not need to run around the apartment in your underwear screaming that you are going to vomit from all the stress and throwing your phone on the floor every time it buzzes.  HAHAHHAA THIS ONE IS TOTALLY A JOKE.  WHO DOES THAT?  HAHAHAHA AMIRITE?????

10.  The playlist you composed and titled “Hide the Knives” on Spotify can never be listened to while alone  and/or should probably be deleted for your own mental well-being.