Thursday, December 26, 2013

Oops I Did it Again: Craigslist Christmas

Tis the season!

For posting fake ads on craigslist and sharing the joy of creepy old men and uncomfortable nudie photos for all the world to see.

Here's what I wrote:


Let me sit on your lap and tell you what I'd like for Christmas this year ;)
My list is pretty long...
What's your christmas wish? Maybe if you're good, Santa will get it for you.

I've been naughty and up to no good and I'm not sure I'll make it on the nice list. Don't tell ;)

Tis the season for giving, right? Let's give gifts early this year.

I wanted it to say "Happy holidays" but also "I'm a freak," and I think I achieved that delicate balance.  I like to think of myself as the Hemingway of all craigslist adds.  Or at least the author of that erotic fiction they have at the end of the supermarket checkout.  I also included this photo in the ad, which I found by creatively googling "sexy christmas."  


Do you think I was clear enough?  

Apparently, it was good enough for the hundreds of weirdos who responded.  As usual, there were a lot of copy and paste responses from people who clearly just send out mass craigslist messages with the hope that some kinky weirdo will provide weird santa sex or suck on their toes. 

Here are some of the responses: 

Face Sitting
"If I was Santa I would rather have you sit on my face and skip the lap,Lol!!!!!!!!."- Luis 

Oh Luis you hilarious angel.  I'm really LOLing too at the thought of me sitting on your 65 year old face.  

"You can sit on my lap (or my face...) all day long! Xxxooo" - AS

This was unfortunately a common theme. Lots of face sitting desired on craigslist.  I would rather eat a million cockroaches.  I would rather  lie in a bathtub of worms for 24 hours.  Is it weird that I actually don't think sitting in a tub of worms would be that bad?  Wait, I know the answer to that question, YES. 

"Come sit on my face baby"- june prince

I know his name probably isn't actually June Prince, but it made quite tickled to think of Baby June from the epic musical Gypsy wearing a crown and pouting for me to sit on her face.  Nobody else think of that?  Cool. Cool.  I'm on a roll.  

Super Weird

"Sometimes I'm santa, sometimes I'm just the little boy running downstairs!" - jeff smith

That's really beautiful Jeff. I too understand the struggle to find my own identity during the holiday season.  Growing up is difficult.  

"I am Santa and this year I have an electric sleigh  instead of the gas powered model and all the presents that I will be deliver to sexy little elves uptown will include batteries , , just like the one you ordered withe the big head , oh , oh oh" 

I think I understand what you are getting at here, but your prose is a little clunky. Also, no need to send this from your work email, with your office address attached, no need.  

"I would love to hear your list.  Just keep in mind I can't listen all night as I will have to feed my reindeer"- g chris 

Is your reindeer supposed to be your penis?  Because I still don't get it. Do you actually have reindeer?  How long is that going to take?  Probably not that long.  What do reindeer eat?  Are you the real Santa???? 

"I have a big smile cute add is that your leg lol I'm David seaford L I" 

Yes, David, I shot a sexy photo of myself with a stocking I found in my attic and then worked for 5 hours to photoshop it into that picture.  Thank you for noticing.  No one really appreciates a good photoshop.  LET'S GET DOWN TO SEXY TIME NOW.  

GROSS
"dear santa, all i want for xmas is a sloppy bbbj!" - peter 

"Com sit on Santa' s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas.  Is it long warm and dark? Does it get bigger when you put it in your mouth? Do you wanna ride it, up and down, up and down till you fulfil all your needs. Tell me exactly what you need this Xmas"- jensen 

"Hey you have been naughty and im going to stink my big piece of coal inside of your christmas sock this year"- alim shaddy 

UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.  WHYYYYYYYYYYY.  "Going to stink my big piece of coal" that shit is funny though.  

Dreams
"Beauuutiful post.

I'm in a better mood after reading it.

Thanks, whoever you are.

I wish all your dreams come true!"- cs

CS, you sweet delicate baby angel!  What a kind message.  I wish all your dreams come true too! Maybe not the ones that probably include you doing something really scary to a lady, but definitely the ones that are like oh I hope I can learn spanish in the new year or try out that new brisket restaurant.  

Sunday, December 15, 2013

How to Get Over a Breakup (AKA Ryan Gosling, I'm ready for you now)

So your boyfriend breaks up with you? So you thought he was kidding at first? What are you supposed to do? Sit around and cry all day? Yes. Cry in the middle of yoga. Cry at the beginning of yoga. Cry at the end of yoga. Now is your chance to weep openly in public and have people accept you. Finally, when someone says, "Oh no why are you crying in Union Square?" your response isn't "I was pretending I was the lead male character in the musical Ragtime and it really affected me" or "I just saw a 3 legged dog trying to pee and it really upset me." Finally, it's something real and not something that alerts them to your possible mental illness. 

But then what happens after the crying? There's so many "rules" about what to do and not do after a breakup. They tell you to stay away from food you crave (ie chocolate and straight whiskey); it will only make you more upset. Well apparently Cosmo magazine has never had custom macaroni and cheese from smac. Granted, if I could only get my severe lactose intolerance in check, I would be less upset about a lot of things. They tell you to exercise. I agree. Exercise until your body can take it no more. Go to the gym and then go to hot yoga right after. If your vision starts to get blurry, that's good! You won't be able to see the sadness! ENDORPHINS FOREVER. 

As grief goes, it will come to you in stages. Perhaps you will enter the anger phase and "joke" about running over to his house and screaming all the things you never said through his window like a really messed up Romeo and Juliet balcony scene. Or you might conquer the acceptance stage where you are running through the streets of Times Square screaming, "I'm amazing I'm the greatest no one can bring me down" until a hobo spits on you or a pigeon wing slams you in the face. 

Consider trying this fun little game I like to play over text! 
Friend: Is your boyfriend gonna come too? 
Me: I hope not considering he broke up with me last week. And that would be weird. But who knows! Can't wait for your party. IMMA GET ROWDY
It's hilarious for you and it's sure to make everyone else incredibly uncomfortable. Instant comedy! 

Here's a final tip to really keep you on track: Don't let your friends catch you googling "best hookup bars nyc." Let them think you are at home watching love actually for the 57th time when really you're in a basement in Brooklyn wondering why all the boys look the same and only want to discuss podcasts. And ultimately, remember, you are a supreme goddess and you will later laugh about this in your memoir possibly titled "Wait, is there cheese in this?" 




Plus, now your real boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, can finally come find you and he can build you a big white house where you can sit naked on the veranda and paint and you fight all the time but that's love and I hope you never develop Alzheimer's. 



Monday, October 7, 2013

Dating Lessons from Stephen Sondheim

As it's said in the classic musical Gypsy, "You gotta get a gimmick." It also says, "Get a feathered hat for the baby," but that's a whole other conversation we can have later.  What sort of hat?  Why does it have feathers on it?  Do we really think this is what the baby wants?


Of course, in Gypsy the gimmick refers to what can help you get ahead as a stripper on the vaudeville circuit, but the lesson truly applies in all areas of life.  In dating, it's helpful to find your niche. Perhaps your gimmick is your silky blonde hair or your talent for getting down low on the dance floor, or in my case perhaps it's the age old "Is she fun-crazy or actually mentally unstable?" question that may never be answered. I'm still searching for that answer myself as I watch videos of cats taking baths and debate whether or not I should cut my own bangs off. 

Here are some other great gimmick ideas that will help you lure in that hottie sitting across from you at CitiMD. Does he have a rash or perhaps a rare case of avian flu? Beggars can't be choosers, ladies. And his rash will probably go away.

1) BIG BOOBS
The easiest trick in the book. Put on a deep V and call it a day.

2) WEIRD VOICES
As we have all learned from Zooey Deschanel and her quirktacular vocal comedy, weird voices are adorable! Feel free to growl or sing like Louis Armstrong at the next fox who passes you on the street. Unless it is an actual fox, which in that case do not growl at it because it will most likely attack you.

3) PIRATE ACCOUTREMENTS
Bust out your costume box from under the bed (we all have these, right?) and put on your finest eye patch and peg leg. Extra points for stealing your neighbor's parrot and training it to say creepy pick up lines. People love pirates! A little dangerous, a little dirty, and definitely different than the other girls at the local bar. They can have their tube tops and heeled boots, give me scurvy and a glass eye any day!

4) A KEYBOARD 
My famed musical improv team recently had a show in Chinatown and I was responsible for bringing the keyboard. I hadn't received so much attention since the time I wore green exercise leggings down 9th avenue. Everyone wanted to talk to me! A man in Chinatown town tried to grab it out of my hands so he could play me a song! A man screamed YO STEVIE WONDER at me from his car! It was like I was a celebrity. A sweaty, sweaty celebrity who accidentally hit a child in the head on the subway with her musical gifts 

5) INTELLIGENCE
HAHAHAHA JKJKJKJKJKJKJK WHAT IS SCIENCE.

Embrace your quirks! Find what's interesting and exciting about you and share it with the world! Monologue as if you are the mom in The Glass Menagerie 24/7 no matter how many times someone tells you it's stopped being funny and you are certain to find a man who appreciates that just as much as you do. And if he doesn't, maybe your gimmick can just be MURDER. 



Feathered hats DO look great on babies.  Way to go Stephen Sondheim.

Monday, June 24, 2013

LOOK AT ME


As a performer, people constantly ask me, “Do you ever feel like you are constantly on?”  I generally respond, “WHOOOO MEEEEEE?  WHAT CARE I FOR GLAMOUR? ON? OFF? ALL THE WORLD’S A STAGE AND I MERELY A BEAUTIFUL PLAYER.”  And then I punch myself in the face. 

Being “on” can be very helpful in some situations.  For example, I have always had an easy time talking to new people.  You can constantly finding me chatting it up with the nearest old gay man in the super market.  However, there are situations where my “vivaciousness,” let’s call it that, isn’t necessarily the most helpful. 

I am starting to slowly realize I need to remember each date I go on is not a performance of my one-woman show, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm hilarious." As a performer, (second time I’ve started a sentence like that, you’re welcome) being provided with a (semi) captive audience, my immediate inclination is to razzle dazzle them. You wanna talk about food? I've got plenty of jokes about food! One time I ate Guinea pig! You saw a musical once? Well, sit back and let me tell you the history of the golden age of theatre. You wanna joke about episodes of law and order? One time I went to SVU because my friend was groped on the street and we looked at pictures of possible suspects and there were a lot of Hispanic trannies and they locked me in one of those rooms where you know people are watching on the other side! (That one never quite lands the way I want it to.  After much testing, I think this story might need to be edited out of my repertoire.  It just never gets the response I desire.  Which is anything but shock and fear). 

My main issue is that I am a laugh whore. Not any other kind, ya creepos. Once I know I've got someone hooked, LET THE JOKES BEGIN. If I can tell you think I'm funny, my Comedy Central standup special begins and you didn't even have a chance to change the channel. It’s great for my dates.  They get a free show and all they had to do was buy me a $4 PBR.  But then they leave thinking, what a hilarious play I just enjoyed! I thought perhaps this was a date, but really it was a piece of art! The actress in that was fabulous! She really should have a career in the theatre!  And then they step outside and see a 10 foot tall Russian girl and it’s OH HELLO MODEL LADY BE MY WIFE.  And then they will see me on TV in 5 years and have a faint memory of my Law and Order tales AND FEEL DEEP REGRET.  KISS MY SWAG. 

Aside: kiss my swag is a new phrase I have learned.  I’m not 100% sure what it means, but I will be shouting it from rooftops across the city this summer.  And punching myself in the face for each time I do.  KISS MY SWAAAAAAAG HATERS. 

Here’s the deal: I don't monopolize the conversation, I promise you that. If anything, I'm overly interested and straight up interrogating the other person. I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING. And I hate silence so GET READY because the questions are coming.  I’m a nosy bitch and I want to know what your deal is.  Is that so much to ask?  JUST TALK TO ME ABOUT HOARDERS AND BOB’S BURGERS AND BABY PIGEONS AND FUN PRANKS YOUR GREATEST FEARS AND DEEPEST SECRETS.




Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ready for Love: Episode 2 Review- ABS


It’s the second episode and there are 2 more bachelors who are ready for love!  Two more sets of abs for long, luxurious montages!  Thank you ABC! 

From the initial introductions we learn that Ben’s body is SICK (I honestly cannot remember anything else.  He does charity? He is a businessman? He has a boat? HE HAS ABS) and Ernesto, a philanthropist from Miami Beach, has never said I love you (BUT HE HAS BEACH ABS). 

BODIES BODIES BODIES
ABS ABS ABS



We then meet their potential matches, a bunch of blonde ladies in bikinis.

BIKINIS BIKINIS BIKINIS
BEACH BODS BEACH BODS BEACH BODS

We meet a young virgin whose montage includes her ferociously working out in the gym and then lying tanned on a beach.  We are also introduced to a bunch of nutjobs who listened to the soundtrack of Gypsy too long and brought some gimmicks to get ahead in the competition.  THEATRE JOKE.  NAILED IT. 

When on a reality dating show:
Do not bring a live frog and make a joke about not having to kiss it anymore. 
Do not make a fake wedding save the date and show it to your potential bachelor.  ARE YOU AN IDIOT? 

One girl whimpers, “Just before I left I was faced with the choice with keeping my job or taking a chance on finding love.” YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY.   Can I have your job instead?  You clearly didn’t deserve it as you lack any sense of judgment or reasoning skills. Also, why are the girls always on the verge of tears?  They are all mentally unstable.  This is a cry for help! HELP THEM.  It is not healthy for someone to cry on a first date.  Even I know that. 

Oh and there’s a former Miss Puerto Rico and a former Miss America.  Great. 

As Seneca, a lawyer with multiple degrees, cried upon her immediate elimination,  “You get all the education. That’s not what men want apparently.” PREACH GIRL.  PREACH. 

Ernesto sends all the ladies straight to COMPTON YALLLL to build a house for Habitat for Humanity.  Cue montage of dream girls mixing concrete and ripping up floorboards in short shorts.  Ernesto is very cute, but strangely incoherent.  At one point when one of the girls asked him what qualities his ideal wife would have he stated,  “I definitely want a wife that’s sweet that I can come to… your iphone dies you’re looking for a charger you’ve had a bad day I’m looking for my wife.”  SAY WHAT?  The girl sweetly smiled and nodded as if that made any sense.  AT LEAST HE HAS ABS. 

Ben, it turns out, went to Penn and works on Wall Street.  He asks every girl the classic, “So why are you still single?” and even makes out with 2 of the girls on the first date. I’m certain I’ve seen him at Joshua Tree in Murray Hill getting FUCKED UP WITH HIS BROS. I’m certain he’s used that same line on me.  But apparently his sister says he has every quality someone would want in a husband.  And she’s NEVER met someone like that blah blah blah I don’t care. 


SHIRTLESS
SHIRTLESS
SHIRTLESS

PENSIVE
PENSIVE PENSIVE
WALKING WALKING WALKING

He makes the girls do a mud run because he is athletic.  We get it.  Oh and a main twist this episode was that his ex-girlfriend is one of his matches.  She spends the whole episode staring him down and whining a lot.  Ben ends the date with the 9 girls saying it was the best day he’s ever had.  Of course it is.  You have 9 girls clawing each other’s eyes out for the chance to fuck you. (The girls love to preface statements with stuff like, “I just wanna say to you GIRL TO GIRL,” and then say something super passive aggressive and rude.  It’s amazing). 

The elimination is full of crying. SO many deep connections.  SO many tears.  SO much readiness for love. 

“I can’t imagine going home without you,” one girl pleads. 
You can’t imagine that? REALLY?  TRY.  JUST TRY. 
You should probably imagine it, because it’s about to happen sweetheart. 
Take an acting class.  Get in touch with your inner child.  Be open to possibility.  BECAUSE YOU GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE. 

Can’t wait to see what happens this week. Who will cry?  Whose life will be ruined when she isn't picked?  GREAT JOB NBC.  What are we teaching women?  Quit your job, move from Europe, and fight it out with other girls for a man?  NO THANK YOU.  

BODIES
BODIES
BOYZ
BOYZ



Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Ready for "Love"


Last Tuesday night, NBC debuted yet another new reality dating show to take up hours of my life, entitled “Ready for Love.” (I’m watching “House of Cards” too OKAY so it balances out).  NBC’s website claims, it is “an innovative and dramatic new dating competition series that answers the age-old question: How far would you go to find your soul mate?”  THANK GOD.  LIKE HOW FAR WOULD I GO?  Unlike “The Bachelor” and its other sad counterparts, this certainly will be the show that finally creates lasting couples and lifetimes of happiness and will help me unlock the sad secrets of my “love life.”  Produced by Desperate Housewive’s Eva Longoria, how could it go wrong? 



Let’s be real, I’ve had this on our TiVo schedule for weeks.  Ever since the Bachelor ended, I’ve had very few chances to scream at my television (besides that horrifying 10 year old sociopath episode of Law and Order SVU).  I’m sure our neighbors think I am in some sort of terribly sad relationship due to the amount of times I could be heard screaming, “UGH SHE IS THE WORST.  NO NO NO NOOOOOO.  HER EYEBROW. SLUTS! SLUTS!  UGH WHY? WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE HER?”  At least perhaps I have some sort of street cred in my building.  At least they don’t know the truth, which is that I don’t have anything near a boyfriend and last night I watched over 30 surprise wedding proposals and sobbed in my bed.  But now you know, so you can feel free to tell them. 

The show claims to be different because not only have skilled matchmakers chosen the women for the 3 bachelors, but the matchmakers will also coach the women before and after the dates and offer feedback on how to improve and win the guy.  Because there is nothing that I want more than to analyze how I did on a date in front of a live audience and the entirety of America. 


Tim is the first bachelor.  A precious faced gangly musician who is TWIST a divorcee.  and TWIST he wears necklaces. BUT HE’S READY FOR LOVE.  Highlights include:

His surprise date was OHMYGAH watching him and his band, The Plain White T’s, play a concert.  Hey There Delilah is apparently still a thing guys.

The funny blonde girl who they told to be sexy was reprimanded for using the word “fart” on a date and was placed in the bottom 3.

The piano-playing temptress, who stared creepily into Tim’s eyes the entire time she tickled the keys for him on their private date, was praised by the judges for her eye contact and connection.

I would be off the show in two minutes. 

I thought about one of my recent dates and made a list of things I probably shouldn’t have talked about.  Essentially all of my interests are off limits.  If a topic comes into my head, I should take a moment, think, dead cats? Does someone want to hear about dead cats?  And then answer, NO YOU IDIOT.  TALK ABOUT LITERATURE OR BUBBLES OR STREET ART and move on.  I should actually probably be completely silent and dates would work out better for me.  I guess human cadavers aren’t date conversation material either right?  NEVER HEARD FROM THAT GUY AGAIN. HAHAHAHAHA.  Loneliness. 

My other favorite part of the show is that they made a huge deal about how Tim couldn’t see the women before choosing them.  He had to base it off their voice and the answers to his questions. SPOILER ALERT: Turns out every single one of the women is a tall leggy model.  I’m shocked.  There was no way he was going to hear a sweet story, choose her, and she walks through the door and TWIST she is a hideous gremlin troll.  There are 2 women who are actually former Miss Americas or something.  Give me a reality dating show where there are REAL HUMAN PEOPLE.  Not multiethnic model princesses who are “radio personalities” who are like really like maybe falling in love with this guy. 

If one of your friends said, “I want to spend my life with this man.  I know I’ve only spent 6 hours with him (maybe 10 without the editing) but he is my future” you would punch her in the face. 

You would sit her down and be like YOU ARE CRAZY.
He’s cute but he’s not THAT CUTE.
You just met him.  You know who you know better than him? 
The fruit guy on our corner.  Julio, who works at the UPS store next door. 
Definitely, any number of the workers at Shake Shack. 
DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ANY OF THEM? 
AND HE WEARS A NECKLACE.  Wasn’t that one of your dealbreakers? 

I truly cannot wait to see how this show unfolds.  If you hear screaming outside my building it is me.  Or it is our terrors of downstairs roommates having another party.  KEEP IT DOWN.  SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO WATCH WEDDING PROPOSALS IN PEACE. 

P.S. I mean, COME ON.

http://vimeo.com/40568330

http://greenweddingshoes.com/a-surprise-backyard-proposal/