Monday, January 28, 2013

10 Things I Should Know by Now (2013 Edition)

10 Things I Should Know by Now (2013 Edition) 

1) It's not "fate" that's telling you you shouldn't go to this party. It's that you are a poor planner and you are trying to get somewhere in 30 minutes that should take you 45.  If you just stopped reading the Wikipedia article on geishas like you knew you should have you would have been on time.  You ain't Odysseus girl.  

2) Once again, you are allergic to dairy. That will never change. Even if the Starbucks barista told you his "theory" about lactose intolerance. He works at the slowest Starbucks in New York city. Why are you taking medical advice from him? Why do you even keep going to that Starbucks? You hate it and you tweet about it every time AS IF THAT WILL SOMEHOW HELP. Girl you crazy.  

3) You don't need to make out with everyone who tries to kiss you. You aren't being mean. You aren't being rude. You're being SANE. AND A HUMAN. 

4) Screaming, "PRANCE GIRL, NOW PRANCE!" to dogs on the street is not always welcome by their owners.   

5) The Special K chocolatey delight diet does not work for you. The box will be gone in 2 days. You will be so hungry you eat Chinese food at 2 am. Remember this. Feel this shame inside. 

6) Do not ever go to the Apple Store on 5th Avenue.  Especially when you are on a juice cleanse and haven't had a juice in 2 hours.  If you are at that apple store or another store filled with crazy people and European tourists and apparently no employees that actually do something helpful there, screaming "I FEEL LIKE I AM INVISIBLE" to get an employee's attention because ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SPEND $2000  OF YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY ON A COMPUTER will not work.  

7) Back up your computer. Inevitably you are going to kick your computer off the bed in a fury of dancing to Robyn and attempting to teach yourself how to Dougie.  Your computer will then sound like it's full of baby crickets and all of your "valuable" "writing" will be lost forever and you still won't even know how to dougie.  

8) Wash your fruit before eating it. The fruit guy on the street corner whose super long pinky nail you laughed at, he touched that fruit, probably a lot.  

9) "Cookie dinner" is a not a real thing. You made that up. Screaming "COOKIE DINNER" does not make it any more valid.  And when you tell people about it they feel sad for you. 

10) You're actually pretty okay.  You can allow yourself to wallow in your sorrow and listen to Demi Lovato's "Skyscraper" for 2 minutes and then you gotta GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.  Because even though you think you've done nothing and you're so lost and it's all for nothing and blah blah blah, YOU ARE IN YOUR 20s AND YOU ARE THE SHIT.  

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