Sunday, January 13, 2013

Hurricane Sandy PART 2 (FINALLY)

My apologies for the delays in posting this.  I'm sure the anticipation has been killing you.  And by anticipation I mean you saw this link and were like I guess I could click on this, it's a Sunday, I kind of remember this girl being vaguely funny.  Weird face, but vaguely funny.  (That's going on my bizniz card...who am I joking, business card?  I'm lucky if I have a functioning pen in my purse).  

I've been busy watching episodes of Girls, watching my life turn into an episode of Girls, wondering how I can have a career when Lena Dunham exists, and falling down and scraping my knees on slippery sidewalks (literally, but I guess metaphorically too if you wanna get all poetic about it).  


Here's the original prose if you don't remember: 


"We've already exhausted all our rations, but there's one thing we forgot to pick up at CVS. Some high grade beef. Could that be you?


4 college educated, CA girls looking for a bit of excitement to break the boredom of waiting out this hurricane.

Will you come protect us from these wild winds?
Will you whisper comforting words as we shiver with fear?

Trying to stay out of the rain, but don't mind getting a little wet.

pics please. bring some sunshine to our dreary day."

I'm still wondering if I should quit my career and venture into the sex writing business.  I'm 95% sure it's not called the sex writing business, so clearly I have a lot to learn.  If anyone has any connections please let me know.  

I first want to thank the brave, courageous men of New York who offered to risk their lives to come and cuddle with us. A lot of people wanted to protect these sweet, lonely, shivering CA girls from the storm. As igotit8899 said, "You guys would probably have to look really good for me to risk my life and come to the city but im up for the challenge if you are lol." LOL igotit889.  SO LOL.  

Keith R responded, "The idea of having four girls to entertain.... is invigorating.
Let me know. I have no problem getting to the UES in these conditions."  Glad to invigorate your sad existence Keith.  Apparently guys are super down for orgies, who knew?  (Also, is Keith some sort of royalty? How was he gonna get to the UES in the hurricane?  YOU GOTTA CHAUFFEUR?  A SUBMARINE?)  


What was truly most unsettling about the emails is how normal most of the people seemed.  That guy on the upper east side, who is buying you a drink and telling you how much he loves outdoor sports, kayaking, independent films, blah di fucking blah, well he's telling me the same thing AND I got a picture of his penis.  

Here's a sampling: 

"The teacher"

I'm a 29-year old teacher enjoying the calm before the storm.  I like to use the free time my work grants me to play sports, read the news, and keep up on culture.  I'm also a big music fan.  Additionally, I am a writer, mostly of poetry.  I'm one of the rare people who actually even likes to read the stuff.  I tend to stick with literary fiction, but I'll fess up to having read the Hunger Games, while holding fast to the claim that it was an effort to keep up with my students' tastes.  I did just start in on Tropic of Cancer, and it's every bit as salacious as promised.  Between my beard, penchant for flannel, and taste in music and nightlife, I'd have to accept the label of hipster

He sent pictures!  He is a teacher!  Of children around the age that read the Hunger Games! TRUST NO ONE.  

"The Ivy Leaguer"

Hi.  I am an investment banker and an ivy league graduate. I'd love to
meet with you. I am intelligent and really respectful. I love watching movies,
traveling, and dining at New York's excellent restaurants. I have a
good sense of humor, and am very lively, fun, and energetic.You seem
like someone I'd really enjoy meeting, so please write.  I am a great
conversationalist and am fun and adventurous. I am sane, professional,
well educated and funny. I am liberal and well read.

Best Regards

Well read?  Fine dining? Just the things 4 slutty girls looking for high grade beef desire.  Also, he's REALLY respectful.  If I post an orgy ad on craigslist I want to be treated with respect goddammit.  

"THE TERROR"

Ok so how does this sound?  Let's hang, chat, and enjoy as many rounds of mind blowing sex as possible during the storm.  How much fun would it be to see who can make the other one cum more times in the next 24 hours?  We'll have more than enough time to explore each others bodies and can take turns spoiling each other over and over.  I have dozens of condoms so we'll definitely be playing safe.

THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE. YOU SOUND HORRIBLE.  TAKE YOUR DOZENS OF CONDOMS AND CHOKE ON THEM.  ALL 36 OF THEM.  

"The Football Player"

I think I can do all the things you say and more, although usually I'd say I'm enough for 4 girls, happy to bring a friend or two if you are interested. I'm 6'4, 255, 27, live with a bunch of guys, all former football players with me in college. Currently in murray hill. 

Absolutely a great idea to invite three 255 pound football players to my home.  They couldn't kill me with a swipe of their hand AT ALL.  

"The Craigslist Regular" 

The way you can tell a post is real? :the use of uncommon words.
And you win with randy.
I love protecting sweet lil angels from danger.
But at times like to be a bit of a hurricane?
4 of you?
I could eat for days!
Just what i like.


Real women use the word Randy y'all, take note when writing your future craigslist posts.  There were a lot like these where I can't even find the words to express my disgust.  I HATE MEN.  

"The Poet"

I don't get the subject. "Sandy makes us randy"? Anyway I'd like to be your sun, and you guys can orbit around me like an electron in an atom.

He doesn't understand what the word randy means, but he like totally gets science.  

"The Tease"

Are you really ready for an incredible experience?





I feel bad posting pictures, but then I think, NAH.  IT'S MINE NOW.  THOSE ARE THE RULES OF THE INTERWEBZ BITCH.  And just take a look at that photo?  IZ YOU SOME SORT OF MODEL?

"The Eager Beaver"

If you like your privacy you can block your ID when you call me just 1st *67 then any number its free & I don't mind. Or should I call you? Don't forget to leave your number then. Its comfy for me over a call. Please don't be nervous its only a simple call remember there is no harm. To get to know someone a bit you can't do it over emails. Don't worry about what to say let me worry about that just be yourself. I'm not for reading lol I much rather hear your laughs its just better. Plus there is a lot of details to get into. It would be easier over the phone.  Its just that I would like to get this going to eventually meet. You could start by answering some of the same answer I did. How are you? I have added 3 photos. Now you Send some photos. Or talk here, text me?

CALM THE FUCK DOWN DUDE.  IT WILL ALL BE OKAY. 


"The Birthday Boy" 

All four of you will make a great birthday present. I just turned 33. Will you four be able to give me 33 hours of pleasure?

IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.  AND YOU ARE ON CRAIGSLIST.  OR YOU ARE A LIAR AND ARE EXPLOITING THE BEAUTIFUL CONCEPT OF BIRTHDAYS TO GET US TO FUCK YOU.  I SAY NO, SIR.   

"Pizza"



Hi Ladies, my name is Pizza.









To say I'm not a little intrigued would be a lie. THIS IS WHY I GET MYSELF INTO TROUBLE.  I would probably make out with him if he approached me in a bar.  NO I WOULDN'T.  WOULD I?  OMG WOULD I?  I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.  SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.  



AND THAT IS JUST A FEW OF THE GLORIOUS EMAILS I RECEIVED.  I would post some of the more salacious shots, but I also would like to keep my job and friends and what little dignity I have left.  If you really are in need of some dick pics, I've got plenty.  I can text you a few ;) 

I only responded to 2 people to notify them that they were actually really hot and should not be sending girls pictures on craigslist.  I just wanted to do a little mitzvah for the day, you know?  Maybe they just needed a boost of encouragement :) Or maybe they are just really handsome sex freaks and wanted to tie me up in their dungeon.  


So if there is anything we can learn from this little experiment it's this:


1) You can find anyone who will do anything on craigslist

2) I'm scared of everyone 

YAY!!!!!  


2 days later: "Did I miss out?" Yes, southern1, you did.  

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