Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Being a Functioning Adult is Scary

Here's a list of my top 10 greatest fears at this moment in time.  If you ever wanna talk about traumatic brain injuries, I'm all ears.

1. Emergency Tracheotomy 
Shout out to my sweet beautiful angel goddess friend Maja (BOYS, SHE IS TAKEN), who introduced me to this concept and thus altered the course of my life forever.  Getting a dirty old pen stabbed into your throat?? WHAT COULD BE WORSE?  (You know what could be worse, 2 pens, if maybe the first one didn't work or something).  If I am ever in need of oxygen do not stab a pen in my throat.  Let me pass out and take me to a hospital (IF I AM UNABLE TO BREATHE DO NOT LET ME PASS OUT. YOU KNOW WHAT'S ANOTHER GREATEST FEAR THAT IS NOT ON THIS LIST BECAUSE I AM AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE AND HAVE TO HIDE THROUGH COMEDY? DEATH).  If you must stab a pen in my throat, knock me out first.  I'm not scared of you hitting me in the head with a frying pan so feel free.

2. One of those grates on the sidewalk collapses and I fall through
I'm sure this crosses everyone's mind, especially in New York, where they leave those grates that lead under restaurants just open and waiting for a drunk person to tumble down.  It's bound to happen to me at some point, I'm just not sure when.  Now, what I'm specifically fearful of is not the act itself.  I fall all the time. I constantly find bruises all over my body because, as my mom says, I am "not aware of my limbs." I'm mostly scared of the aftermath when the nightly news gets word of it.  I fear that they will announce, "ASPIRING ACTRESS FALLS THROUGH GRATE.  GRATE NOT BROKEN OR ANYTHING, SHE WAS JUST TOO HEAVY.  SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE EATEN ALL THOSE COOKIES DURING HURRICANE SANDY AND THEN SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL. MAYBE THAT IS WHY SHE IS STILL ASPIRING..."  Those nightly news guys can be real dicks.

3. Babies with Eye Patches
I just don't trust them.  They make me feel very queasy inside.  Especially when it isn't so much a patch as it  is an entire roll of gauze duct taped to their tiny face.

4. Babies with transition lenses 
See #3.

5. Getting stuck in clothes in a dressing room 
Zippers are tricky.  Too tricky.  And sometimes the simple task of removing an item of clothing is your life's greatest challenge.  You're in a small space, a little overheated, you hated the way that dress looked on you, your bangs are doing that weird cowlick thing again, and you suddenly start to panic.  What if I can't get it off?  What if I am stuck in this room forever?  Should I ask the sales lady to come and help me?  Will she laugh at my underwear that I ripped a hole in putting on because I am the Hulk?  What if I Hulk out and rip this dress?  Will I have to buy it?  Will they arrest me?  Would anyone bail me out?  Do I even really have any friends?  WHAT IS FRIENDSHIP?  WHAT IS LOVE? WHY ARE WE PUT ON THIS EARTH?  Zippers, man.

6. Anything that happened on ER or Grey's Anatomy 
That one episode where Cynthia Nixon has a stroke and she can hear and understand everything happening around her but she is completely paralyzed and unable to speak?  And her husband is like don't give her the surgery and she's screaming in her head DO IT DO IT I WANT IT but her mouth is completely still?  I LIVE FOR TV MEDICAL DRAMA.

7. Showing up for something that was cancelled but no one bothered to tell you or you're 5 hours early because you wrote it down wrong in your calendar or you weren't actually invited in the first place or it's the next day and you mixed it up or you're in the wrong place and everyone is staring at you or it didn't even exist in the first place and you're crazy.
I have a lot of social anxieties.  

8.   Dementors

9.  Talking on the phone
I'm terrible at telephone communication.  I will respond to your text in approximately 4-7 days.  And I'll probably respond with the emojis of 2 girls dancing, a poodle, the asian geishas, a hamster, and a skull.  
If you choose to call me (only real men and adults do this) there is a 99% chance I will not answer.  If it is a 212 number I will answer because I will think it is Broadway (and it will be the delivery man).  One time my dad handed me the phone to talk to my grandma and I threw it across the room and burst into tears.  So please, call me tonight and we'll have a real nice chat about Anne Hathaway's accent. 

10. Ryan Gosling will never realize I am his true love
Do we really believe that Eva Mendes is smart and funny?  I need it to be proven to me. I get it.  She's a sexy Cuban model blah blah blah.  Her role model growing up was Cindy Crawford. She worked at Hot Dog on a Stick before she got her big break, so she like really UNDERSTANDS US PEASANTS (thank you wikipedia for these enlightening facts).  Sometimes I can blow dry my bangs so it doesn't look like I was attacked by a flock of birds on my face.  A man told me I have a Mariah Carey Smile.  I'm really trying to establish my web presence.  Can't that ever be enough?  

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