Sunday, February 17, 2013

For Lena

You guys, I have an addiction to craigslist.  Specifically, posting fake ads on craigslist.  I know, so Catfish of me. I'm 100% too neurotic to ever meet someone off of it (I was certain I was to be murdered the last time I sold concert tickets on it).  I love to talk that craigslist talk, but I could never walk the walk.  The "I messaged you on the internet for sex" walk.  But who really can?  


So a few weeks ago to celebrate the premiere of the HBO series "Girls" I thought I'd perform another social experiment.  WWLDD ya know?  

Here's the ad I wrote: 
**Not safe for children, or my parents, or former teachers, or anyone who likes me and thinks I am a sane human
**Also, these are not my opinions or feelings.  They are the words of a fictitious character.  I AM AN ACTOR.  

Treat my Heart Like Monkey Meat

As Lena Dunham says, 
I'm letting you know that it is okay to act on this fantasy because I am gross and so are you.  

It's the girls hbo premiere tonight and I want to celebrate in style. 

I'll let you do me from behind and talk to me like I'm a filthy 12 year old orphan.  I'll even let you cum on my tits if you're nice.  

I can't promise I won't text you after, but you don't ever have to respond.  I'll just pretend you died.  

Send pics. brooklyn awaits you.  

I would post the link to the ad but IT WAS FLAGGED FOR REMOVAL a day later.  YEAAAAHHH THAT'S HOW I DO.  CRAIGSLIST CAN'T HANDLE ME.  

Okay, so it's bad.  It's really bad.  And I was definitely asking for it with that tits line.  And the orphan thing.  Really all of it.  However, if you are a fan of the show, you know that everything I wrote is a direct reference to the show.  Turns out, not everyone on craigslist is a fan of the show, but a lot of people on craigslist are fans of fucked up shit.  

Once again, I thought maybe a few people would respond.  I assumed since the last post garnered so many responses, this might get some too.  

almost 200 dudes to be exact.
200 messages.  
200 crazy people offering to let me watch their hbo and "pull my hair until I scream."  

Some guys claimed to have been searching for their own Lena Dunham.  Others clearly had no idea what the show is and simply wanted to do the terrifying things I had written.  And there were so many dick pics.  Dick pics galore.  I got 'em all.  I could start some sort of catalogue of different looking penises.  A binder of penis cards a la Pokemon.  We can do trades.  

I'll post some of the responses in another post, because going through them all right now is making me ill.  I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SLAM INTO ME WITH ALL NINE INCHES.  NO ONE WANTS THAT.  NO ONE.  

What is the lesson that came from all of this?  

1) Don't give your phone number to someone because you think it could enhance the comedy of your blog post.  That person will call you every day for 3 days, multiple times a day.  

2) I think craigslist is much more common than we think it is.  Once again, I was shocked to see among the creatures and nightmares, there were seemingly normal Brooklyn hipsters offering up their couches and premium cable to me.  Brooklyn hipsters who sent me photos of themselves dressed in fun bow ties posing in their friend's hipster wedding photo booth.  Brooklyn hipsters who sent me photos of them playing with their toddler nieces on the beaches of California.  

At the end of the day how different is craigslist from okcupid really?  Okcupid gives you a false sense of security because you "know" that someone likes Mumford and Sons, whiskey, and sriracha.  You know who else surely likes whiskey and sriracha? MURDERERS. (I'm not certain about Mumford and Sons...but then again who doesn't like mumford and sons AMIRITE).   I'll meet someone off okcupid if they send me a funny video of R. Kelly so perhaps it's really my own safety issues that need to be examined. From my experiences, okcupid is primarily a sex site under the guise of an internet dating site.  You can ask me about my improv team and take me for drinks and THAT DOES NOT MEAN I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.  Where was that implied?  I didn't sign any sort of contract.  I thought you wanted to hear my opinions on Hoarders (side note: judging from my last date, apparently not everyone thinks flat dead cats are hilarious).  

Essentially, meeting someone off the internet from any website be it craigslist, okcupid,, etc. has some sort of risk involved.  If it seems like I am making a case for meeting people off craigslist, I am most certainly not.  In fact, I'm against online dating in general.  I'm against dating in general.  DOWN WITH LOVE. UP WITH OTHER STUFF.  

Well, this has taken a saddening turn.  My mother told me I've become too cynical about love.  PROVE ME WRONG WORLD.  

Remember that time we were talkin about dick pics?  Hahahahahahaha HILARITY. 

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