Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ready for Love: Episode 2 Review- ABS

It’s the second episode and there are 2 more bachelors who are ready for love!  Two more sets of abs for long, luxurious montages!  Thank you ABC! 

From the initial introductions we learn that Ben’s body is SICK (I honestly cannot remember anything else.  He does charity? He is a businessman? He has a boat? HE HAS ABS) and Ernesto, a philanthropist from Miami Beach, has never said I love you (BUT HE HAS BEACH ABS). 


We then meet their potential matches, a bunch of blonde ladies in bikinis.


We meet a young virgin whose montage includes her ferociously working out in the gym and then lying tanned on a beach.  We are also introduced to a bunch of nutjobs who listened to the soundtrack of Gypsy too long and brought some gimmicks to get ahead in the competition.  THEATRE JOKE.  NAILED IT. 

When on a reality dating show:
Do not bring a live frog and make a joke about not having to kiss it anymore. 
Do not make a fake wedding save the date and show it to your potential bachelor.  ARE YOU AN IDIOT? 

One girl whimpers, “Just before I left I was faced with the choice with keeping my job or taking a chance on finding love.” YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY.   Can I have your job instead?  You clearly didn’t deserve it as you lack any sense of judgment or reasoning skills. Also, why are the girls always on the verge of tears?  They are all mentally unstable.  This is a cry for help! HELP THEM.  It is not healthy for someone to cry on a first date.  Even I know that. 

Oh and there’s a former Miss Puerto Rico and a former Miss America.  Great. 

As Seneca, a lawyer with multiple degrees, cried upon her immediate elimination,  “You get all the education. That’s not what men want apparently.” PREACH GIRL.  PREACH. 

Ernesto sends all the ladies straight to COMPTON YALLLL to build a house for Habitat for Humanity.  Cue montage of dream girls mixing concrete and ripping up floorboards in short shorts.  Ernesto is very cute, but strangely incoherent.  At one point when one of the girls asked him what qualities his ideal wife would have he stated,  “I definitely want a wife that’s sweet that I can come to… your iphone dies you’re looking for a charger you’ve had a bad day I’m looking for my wife.”  SAY WHAT?  The girl sweetly smiled and nodded as if that made any sense.  AT LEAST HE HAS ABS. 

Ben, it turns out, went to Penn and works on Wall Street.  He asks every girl the classic, “So why are you still single?” and even makes out with 2 of the girls on the first date. I’m certain I’ve seen him at Joshua Tree in Murray Hill getting FUCKED UP WITH HIS BROS. I’m certain he’s used that same line on me.  But apparently his sister says he has every quality someone would want in a husband.  And she’s NEVER met someone like that blah blah blah I don’t care. 



He makes the girls do a mud run because he is athletic.  We get it.  Oh and a main twist this episode was that his ex-girlfriend is one of his matches.  She spends the whole episode staring him down and whining a lot.  Ben ends the date with the 9 girls saying it was the best day he’s ever had.  Of course it is.  You have 9 girls clawing each other’s eyes out for the chance to fuck you. (The girls love to preface statements with stuff like, “I just wanna say to you GIRL TO GIRL,” and then say something super passive aggressive and rude.  It’s amazing). 

The elimination is full of crying. SO many deep connections.  SO many tears.  SO much readiness for love. 

“I can’t imagine going home without you,” one girl pleads. 
You can’t imagine that? REALLY?  TRY.  JUST TRY. 
You should probably imagine it, because it’s about to happen sweetheart. 
Take an acting class.  Get in touch with your inner child.  Be open to possibility.  BECAUSE YOU GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE. 

Can’t wait to see what happens this week. Who will cry?  Whose life will be ruined when she isn't picked?  GREAT JOB NBC.  What are we teaching women?  Quit your job, move from Europe, and fight it out with other girls for a man?  NO THANK YOU.  


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Ready for "Love"

Last Tuesday night, NBC debuted yet another new reality dating show to take up hours of my life, entitled “Ready for Love.” (I’m watching “House of Cards” too OKAY so it balances out).  NBC’s website claims, it is “an innovative and dramatic new dating competition series that answers the age-old question: How far would you go to find your soul mate?”  THANK GOD.  LIKE HOW FAR WOULD I GO?  Unlike “The Bachelor” and its other sad counterparts, this certainly will be the show that finally creates lasting couples and lifetimes of happiness and will help me unlock the sad secrets of my “love life.”  Produced by Desperate Housewive’s Eva Longoria, how could it go wrong? 

Let’s be real, I’ve had this on our TiVo schedule for weeks.  Ever since the Bachelor ended, I’ve had very few chances to scream at my television (besides that horrifying 10 year old sociopath episode of Law and Order SVU).  I’m sure our neighbors think I am in some sort of terribly sad relationship due to the amount of times I could be heard screaming, “UGH SHE IS THE WORST.  NO NO NO NOOOOOO.  HER EYEBROW. SLUTS! SLUTS!  UGH WHY? WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE HER?”  At least perhaps I have some sort of street cred in my building.  At least they don’t know the truth, which is that I don’t have anything near a boyfriend and last night I watched over 30 surprise wedding proposals and sobbed in my bed.  But now you know, so you can feel free to tell them. 

The show claims to be different because not only have skilled matchmakers chosen the women for the 3 bachelors, but the matchmakers will also coach the women before and after the dates and offer feedback on how to improve and win the guy.  Because there is nothing that I want more than to analyze how I did on a date in front of a live audience and the entirety of America. 

Tim is the first bachelor.  A precious faced gangly musician who is TWIST a divorcee.  and TWIST he wears necklaces. BUT HE’S READY FOR LOVE.  Highlights include:

His surprise date was OHMYGAH watching him and his band, The Plain White T’s, play a concert.  Hey There Delilah is apparently still a thing guys.

The funny blonde girl who they told to be sexy was reprimanded for using the word “fart” on a date and was placed in the bottom 3.

The piano-playing temptress, who stared creepily into Tim’s eyes the entire time she tickled the keys for him on their private date, was praised by the judges for her eye contact and connection.

I would be off the show in two minutes. 

I thought about one of my recent dates and made a list of things I probably shouldn’t have talked about.  Essentially all of my interests are off limits.  If a topic comes into my head, I should take a moment, think, dead cats? Does someone want to hear about dead cats?  And then answer, NO YOU IDIOT.  TALK ABOUT LITERATURE OR BUBBLES OR STREET ART and move on.  I should actually probably be completely silent and dates would work out better for me.  I guess human cadavers aren’t date conversation material either right?  NEVER HEARD FROM THAT GUY AGAIN. HAHAHAHAHA.  Loneliness. 

My other favorite part of the show is that they made a huge deal about how Tim couldn’t see the women before choosing them.  He had to base it off their voice and the answers to his questions. SPOILER ALERT: Turns out every single one of the women is a tall leggy model.  I’m shocked.  There was no way he was going to hear a sweet story, choose her, and she walks through the door and TWIST she is a hideous gremlin troll.  There are 2 women who are actually former Miss Americas or something.  Give me a reality dating show where there are REAL HUMAN PEOPLE.  Not multiethnic model princesses who are “radio personalities” who are like really like maybe falling in love with this guy. 

If one of your friends said, “I want to spend my life with this man.  I know I’ve only spent 6 hours with him (maybe 10 without the editing) but he is my future” you would punch her in the face. 

You would sit her down and be like YOU ARE CRAZY.
He’s cute but he’s not THAT CUTE.
You just met him.  You know who you know better than him? 
The fruit guy on our corner.  Julio, who works at the UPS store next door. 
Definitely, any number of the workers at Shake Shack. 
AND HE WEARS A NECKLACE.  Wasn’t that one of your dealbreakers? 

I truly cannot wait to see how this show unfolds.  If you hear screaming outside my building it is me.  Or it is our terrors of downstairs roommates having another party.  KEEP IT DOWN.  SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO WATCH WEDDING PROPOSALS IN PEACE. 

P.S. I mean, COME ON.