Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Ready for "Love"

Last Tuesday night, NBC debuted yet another new reality dating show to take up hours of my life, entitled “Ready for Love.” (I’m watching “House of Cards” too OKAY so it balances out).  NBC’s website claims, it is “an innovative and dramatic new dating competition series that answers the age-old question: How far would you go to find your soul mate?”  THANK GOD.  LIKE HOW FAR WOULD I GO?  Unlike “The Bachelor” and its other sad counterparts, this certainly will be the show that finally creates lasting couples and lifetimes of happiness and will help me unlock the sad secrets of my “love life.”  Produced by Desperate Housewive’s Eva Longoria, how could it go wrong? 

Let’s be real, I’ve had this on our TiVo schedule for weeks.  Ever since the Bachelor ended, I’ve had very few chances to scream at my television (besides that horrifying 10 year old sociopath episode of Law and Order SVU).  I’m sure our neighbors think I am in some sort of terribly sad relationship due to the amount of times I could be heard screaming, “UGH SHE IS THE WORST.  NO NO NO NOOOOOO.  HER EYEBROW. SLUTS! SLUTS!  UGH WHY? WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE HER?”  At least perhaps I have some sort of street cred in my building.  At least they don’t know the truth, which is that I don’t have anything near a boyfriend and last night I watched over 30 surprise wedding proposals and sobbed in my bed.  But now you know, so you can feel free to tell them. 

The show claims to be different because not only have skilled matchmakers chosen the women for the 3 bachelors, but the matchmakers will also coach the women before and after the dates and offer feedback on how to improve and win the guy.  Because there is nothing that I want more than to analyze how I did on a date in front of a live audience and the entirety of America. 

Tim is the first bachelor.  A precious faced gangly musician who is TWIST a divorcee.  and TWIST he wears necklaces. BUT HE’S READY FOR LOVE.  Highlights include:

His surprise date was OHMYGAH watching him and his band, The Plain White T’s, play a concert.  Hey There Delilah is apparently still a thing guys.

The funny blonde girl who they told to be sexy was reprimanded for using the word “fart” on a date and was placed in the bottom 3.

The piano-playing temptress, who stared creepily into Tim’s eyes the entire time she tickled the keys for him on their private date, was praised by the judges for her eye contact and connection.

I would be off the show in two minutes. 

I thought about one of my recent dates and made a list of things I probably shouldn’t have talked about.  Essentially all of my interests are off limits.  If a topic comes into my head, I should take a moment, think, dead cats? Does someone want to hear about dead cats?  And then answer, NO YOU IDIOT.  TALK ABOUT LITERATURE OR BUBBLES OR STREET ART and move on.  I should actually probably be completely silent and dates would work out better for me.  I guess human cadavers aren’t date conversation material either right?  NEVER HEARD FROM THAT GUY AGAIN. HAHAHAHAHA.  Loneliness. 

My other favorite part of the show is that they made a huge deal about how Tim couldn’t see the women before choosing them.  He had to base it off their voice and the answers to his questions. SPOILER ALERT: Turns out every single one of the women is a tall leggy model.  I’m shocked.  There was no way he was going to hear a sweet story, choose her, and she walks through the door and TWIST she is a hideous gremlin troll.  There are 2 women who are actually former Miss Americas or something.  Give me a reality dating show where there are REAL HUMAN PEOPLE.  Not multiethnic model princesses who are “radio personalities” who are like really like maybe falling in love with this guy. 

If one of your friends said, “I want to spend my life with this man.  I know I’ve only spent 6 hours with him (maybe 10 without the editing) but he is my future” you would punch her in the face. 

You would sit her down and be like YOU ARE CRAZY.
He’s cute but he’s not THAT CUTE.
You just met him.  You know who you know better than him? 
The fruit guy on our corner.  Julio, who works at the UPS store next door. 
Definitely, any number of the workers at Shake Shack. 
AND HE WEARS A NECKLACE.  Wasn’t that one of your dealbreakers? 

I truly cannot wait to see how this show unfolds.  If you hear screaming outside my building it is me.  Or it is our terrors of downstairs roommates having another party.  KEEP IT DOWN.  SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO WATCH WEDDING PROPOSALS IN PEACE. 

P.S. I mean, COME ON.


  1. First of all, Asian could have edited himself wiping his nose on his hand in the first few seconds.

    Second, he's lucky she said yes... that setup looked like some creepy, serial killer shit to me.

    Also check out:

  2. Sooo... what I'm hearing is you think Jaffar is a good match for me??