Thursday, December 26, 2013

Oops I Did it Again: Craigslist Christmas

Tis the season!

For posting fake ads on craigslist and sharing the joy of creepy old men and uncomfortable nudie photos for all the world to see.

Here's what I wrote:

Let me sit on your lap and tell you what I'd like for Christmas this year ;)
My list is pretty long...
What's your christmas wish? Maybe if you're good, Santa will get it for you.

I've been naughty and up to no good and I'm not sure I'll make it on the nice list. Don't tell ;)

Tis the season for giving, right? Let's give gifts early this year.

I wanted it to say "Happy holidays" but also "I'm a freak," and I think I achieved that delicate balance.  I like to think of myself as the Hemingway of all craigslist adds.  Or at least the author of that erotic fiction they have at the end of the supermarket checkout.  I also included this photo in the ad, which I found by creatively googling "sexy christmas."  

Do you think I was clear enough?  

Apparently, it was good enough for the hundreds of weirdos who responded.  As usual, there were a lot of copy and paste responses from people who clearly just send out mass craigslist messages with the hope that some kinky weirdo will provide weird santa sex or suck on their toes. 

Here are some of the responses: 

Face Sitting
"If I was Santa I would rather have you sit on my face and skip the lap,Lol!!!!!!!!."- Luis 

Oh Luis you hilarious angel.  I'm really LOLing too at the thought of me sitting on your 65 year old face.  

"You can sit on my lap (or my face...) all day long! Xxxooo" - AS

This was unfortunately a common theme. Lots of face sitting desired on craigslist.  I would rather eat a million cockroaches.  I would rather  lie in a bathtub of worms for 24 hours.  Is it weird that I actually don't think sitting in a tub of worms would be that bad?  Wait, I know the answer to that question, YES. 

"Come sit on my face baby"- june prince

I know his name probably isn't actually June Prince, but it made quite tickled to think of Baby June from the epic musical Gypsy wearing a crown and pouting for me to sit on her face.  Nobody else think of that?  Cool. Cool.  I'm on a roll.  

Super Weird

"Sometimes I'm santa, sometimes I'm just the little boy running downstairs!" - jeff smith

That's really beautiful Jeff. I too understand the struggle to find my own identity during the holiday season.  Growing up is difficult.  

"I am Santa and this year I have an electric sleigh  instead of the gas powered model and all the presents that I will be deliver to sexy little elves uptown will include batteries , , just like the one you ordered withe the big head , oh , oh oh" 

I think I understand what you are getting at here, but your prose is a little clunky. Also, no need to send this from your work email, with your office address attached, no need.  

"I would love to hear your list.  Just keep in mind I can't listen all night as I will have to feed my reindeer"- g chris 

Is your reindeer supposed to be your penis?  Because I still don't get it. Do you actually have reindeer?  How long is that going to take?  Probably not that long.  What do reindeer eat?  Are you the real Santa???? 

"I have a big smile cute add is that your leg lol I'm David seaford L I" 

Yes, David, I shot a sexy photo of myself with a stocking I found in my attic and then worked for 5 hours to photoshop it into that picture.  Thank you for noticing.  No one really appreciates a good photoshop.  LET'S GET DOWN TO SEXY TIME NOW.  

"dear santa, all i want for xmas is a sloppy bbbj!" - peter 

"Com sit on Santa' s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas.  Is it long warm and dark? Does it get bigger when you put it in your mouth? Do you wanna ride it, up and down, up and down till you fulfil all your needs. Tell me exactly what you need this Xmas"- jensen 

"Hey you have been naughty and im going to stink my big piece of coal inside of your christmas sock this year"- alim shaddy 

UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.  WHYYYYYYYYYYY.  "Going to stink my big piece of coal" that shit is funny though.  

"Beauuutiful post.

I'm in a better mood after reading it.

Thanks, whoever you are.

I wish all your dreams come true!"- cs

CS, you sweet delicate baby angel!  What a kind message.  I wish all your dreams come true too! Maybe not the ones that probably include you doing something really scary to a lady, but definitely the ones that are like oh I hope I can learn spanish in the new year or try out that new brisket restaurant.  

Sunday, December 15, 2013

How to Get Over a Breakup (AKA Ryan Gosling, I'm ready for you now)

So your boyfriend breaks up with you? So you thought he was kidding at first? What are you supposed to do? Sit around and cry all day? Yes. Cry in the middle of yoga. Cry at the beginning of yoga. Cry at the end of yoga. Now is your chance to weep openly in public and have people accept you. Finally, when someone says, "Oh no why are you crying in Union Square?" your response isn't "I was pretending I was the lead male character in the musical Ragtime and it really affected me" or "I just saw a 3 legged dog trying to pee and it really upset me." Finally, it's something real and not something that alerts them to your possible mental illness. 

But then what happens after the crying? There's so many "rules" about what to do and not do after a breakup. They tell you to stay away from food you crave (ie chocolate and straight whiskey); it will only make you more upset. Well apparently Cosmo magazine has never had custom macaroni and cheese from smac. Granted, if I could only get my severe lactose intolerance in check, I would be less upset about a lot of things. They tell you to exercise. I agree. Exercise until your body can take it no more. Go to the gym and then go to hot yoga right after. If your vision starts to get blurry, that's good! You won't be able to see the sadness! ENDORPHINS FOREVER. 

As grief goes, it will come to you in stages. Perhaps you will enter the anger phase and "joke" about running over to his house and screaming all the things you never said through his window like a really messed up Romeo and Juliet balcony scene. Or you might conquer the acceptance stage where you are running through the streets of Times Square screaming, "I'm amazing I'm the greatest no one can bring me down" until a hobo spits on you or a pigeon wing slams you in the face. 

Consider trying this fun little game I like to play over text! 
Friend: Is your boyfriend gonna come too? 
Me: I hope not considering he broke up with me last week. And that would be weird. But who knows! Can't wait for your party. IMMA GET ROWDY
It's hilarious for you and it's sure to make everyone else incredibly uncomfortable. Instant comedy! 

Here's a final tip to really keep you on track: Don't let your friends catch you googling "best hookup bars nyc." Let them think you are at home watching love actually for the 57th time when really you're in a basement in Brooklyn wondering why all the boys look the same and only want to discuss podcasts. And ultimately, remember, you are a supreme goddess and you will later laugh about this in your memoir possibly titled "Wait, is there cheese in this?" 

Plus, now your real boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, can finally come find you and he can build you a big white house where you can sit naked on the veranda and paint and you fight all the time but that's love and I hope you never develop Alzheimer's.