Sunday, December 15, 2013

How to Get Over a Breakup (AKA Ryan Gosling, I'm ready for you now)

So your boyfriend breaks up with you? So you thought he was kidding at first? What are you supposed to do? Sit around and cry all day? Yes. Cry in the middle of yoga. Cry at the beginning of yoga. Cry at the end of yoga. Now is your chance to weep openly in public and have people accept you. Finally, when someone says, "Oh no why are you crying in Union Square?" your response isn't "I was pretending I was the lead male character in the musical Ragtime and it really affected me" or "I just saw a 3 legged dog trying to pee and it really upset me." Finally, it's something real and not something that alerts them to your possible mental illness. 

But then what happens after the crying? There's so many "rules" about what to do and not do after a breakup. They tell you to stay away from food you crave (ie chocolate and straight whiskey); it will only make you more upset. Well apparently Cosmo magazine has never had custom macaroni and cheese from smac. Granted, if I could only get my severe lactose intolerance in check, I would be less upset about a lot of things. They tell you to exercise. I agree. Exercise until your body can take it no more. Go to the gym and then go to hot yoga right after. If your vision starts to get blurry, that's good! You won't be able to see the sadness! ENDORPHINS FOREVER. 

As grief goes, it will come to you in stages. Perhaps you will enter the anger phase and "joke" about running over to his house and screaming all the things you never said through his window like a really messed up Romeo and Juliet balcony scene. Or you might conquer the acceptance stage where you are running through the streets of Times Square screaming, "I'm amazing I'm the greatest no one can bring me down" until a hobo spits on you or a pigeon wing slams you in the face. 

Consider trying this fun little game I like to play over text! 
Friend: Is your boyfriend gonna come too? 
Me: I hope not considering he broke up with me last week. And that would be weird. But who knows! Can't wait for your party. IMMA GET ROWDY
It's hilarious for you and it's sure to make everyone else incredibly uncomfortable. Instant comedy! 

Here's a final tip to really keep you on track: Don't let your friends catch you googling "best hookup bars nyc." Let them think you are at home watching love actually for the 57th time when really you're in a basement in Brooklyn wondering why all the boys look the same and only want to discuss podcasts. And ultimately, remember, you are a supreme goddess and you will later laugh about this in your memoir possibly titled "Wait, is there cheese in this?" 

Plus, now your real boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, can finally come find you and he can build you a big white house where you can sit naked on the veranda and paint and you fight all the time but that's love and I hope you never develop Alzheimer's. 

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