Monday, January 28, 2013

10 Things I Should Know by Now (2013 Edition)

10 Things I Should Know by Now (2013 Edition) 

1) It's not "fate" that's telling you you shouldn't go to this party. It's that you are a poor planner and you are trying to get somewhere in 30 minutes that should take you 45.  If you just stopped reading the Wikipedia article on geishas like you knew you should have you would have been on time.  You ain't Odysseus girl.  


2) Once again, you are allergic to dairy. That will never change. Even if the Starbucks barista told you his "theory" about lactose intolerance. He works at the slowest Starbucks in New York city. Why are you taking medical advice from him? Why do you even keep going to that Starbucks? You hate it and you tweet about it every time AS IF THAT WILL SOMEHOW HELP. Girl you crazy.  

3) You don't need to make out with everyone who tries to kiss you. You aren't being mean. You aren't being rude. You're being SANE. AND A HUMAN. 

4) Screaming, "PRANCE GIRL, NOW PRANCE!" to dogs on the street is not always welcome by their owners.   

5) The Special K chocolatey delight diet does not work for you. The box will be gone in 2 days. You will be so hungry you eat Chinese food at 2 am. Remember this. Feel this shame inside. 

6) Do not ever go to the Apple Store on 5th Avenue.  Especially when you are on a juice cleanse and haven't had a juice in 2 hours.  If you are at that apple store or another store filled with crazy people and European tourists and apparently no employees that actually do something helpful there, screaming "I FEEL LIKE I AM INVISIBLE" to get an employee's attention because ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SPEND $2000  OF YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY ON A COMPUTER will not work.  

7) Back up your computer. Inevitably you are going to kick your computer off the bed in a fury of dancing to Robyn and attempting to teach yourself how to Dougie.  Your computer will then sound like it's full of baby crickets and all of your "valuable" "writing" will be lost forever and you still won't even know how to dougie.  

8) Wash your fruit before eating it. The fruit guy on the street corner whose super long pinky nail you laughed at, he touched that fruit, probably a lot.  

9) "Cookie dinner" is a not a real thing. You made that up. Screaming "COOKIE DINNER" does not make it any more valid.  And when you tell people about it they feel sad for you. 

10) You're actually pretty okay.  You can allow yourself to wallow in your sorrow and listen to Demi Lovato's "Skyscraper" for 2 minutes and then you gotta GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.  Because even though you think you've done nothing and you're so lost and it's all for nothing and blah blah blah, YOU ARE IN YOUR 20s AND YOU ARE THE SHIT.  

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Hurricane Sandy PART 2 (FINALLY)

My apologies for the delays in posting this.  I'm sure the anticipation has been killing you.  And by anticipation I mean you saw this link and were like I guess I could click on this, it's a Sunday, I kind of remember this girl being vaguely funny.  Weird face, but vaguely funny.  (That's going on my bizniz card...who am I joking, business card?  I'm lucky if I have a functioning pen in my purse).  

I've been busy watching episodes of Girls, watching my life turn into an episode of Girls, wondering how I can have a career when Lena Dunham exists, and falling down and scraping my knees on slippery sidewalks (literally, but I guess metaphorically too if you wanna get all poetic about it).  


Here's the original prose if you don't remember: 


"We've already exhausted all our rations, but there's one thing we forgot to pick up at CVS. Some high grade beef. Could that be you?


4 college educated, CA girls looking for a bit of excitement to break the boredom of waiting out this hurricane.

Will you come protect us from these wild winds?
Will you whisper comforting words as we shiver with fear?

Trying to stay out of the rain, but don't mind getting a little wet.

pics please. bring some sunshine to our dreary day."

I'm still wondering if I should quit my career and venture into the sex writing business.  I'm 95% sure it's not called the sex writing business, so clearly I have a lot to learn.  If anyone has any connections please let me know.  

I first want to thank the brave, courageous men of New York who offered to risk their lives to come and cuddle with us. A lot of people wanted to protect these sweet, lonely, shivering CA girls from the storm. As igotit8899 said, "You guys would probably have to look really good for me to risk my life and come to the city but im up for the challenge if you are lol." LOL igotit889.  SO LOL.  

Keith R responded, "The idea of having four girls to entertain.... is invigorating.
Let me know. I have no problem getting to the UES in these conditions."  Glad to invigorate your sad existence Keith.  Apparently guys are super down for orgies, who knew?  (Also, is Keith some sort of royalty? How was he gonna get to the UES in the hurricane?  YOU GOTTA CHAUFFEUR?  A SUBMARINE?)  


What was truly most unsettling about the emails is how normal most of the people seemed.  That guy on the upper east side, who is buying you a drink and telling you how much he loves outdoor sports, kayaking, independent films, blah di fucking blah, well he's telling me the same thing AND I got a picture of his penis.  

Here's a sampling: 

"The teacher"

I'm a 29-year old teacher enjoying the calm before the storm.  I like to use the free time my work grants me to play sports, read the news, and keep up on culture.  I'm also a big music fan.  Additionally, I am a writer, mostly of poetry.  I'm one of the rare people who actually even likes to read the stuff.  I tend to stick with literary fiction, but I'll fess up to having read the Hunger Games, while holding fast to the claim that it was an effort to keep up with my students' tastes.  I did just start in on Tropic of Cancer, and it's every bit as salacious as promised.  Between my beard, penchant for flannel, and taste in music and nightlife, I'd have to accept the label of hipster

He sent pictures!  He is a teacher!  Of children around the age that read the Hunger Games! TRUST NO ONE.  

"The Ivy Leaguer"

Hi.  I am an investment banker and an ivy league graduate. I'd love to
meet with you. I am intelligent and really respectful. I love watching movies,
traveling, and dining at New York's excellent restaurants. I have a
good sense of humor, and am very lively, fun, and energetic.You seem
like someone I'd really enjoy meeting, so please write.  I am a great
conversationalist and am fun and adventurous. I am sane, professional,
well educated and funny. I am liberal and well read.

Best Regards

Well read?  Fine dining? Just the things 4 slutty girls looking for high grade beef desire.  Also, he's REALLY respectful.  If I post an orgy ad on craigslist I want to be treated with respect goddammit.  

"THE TERROR"

Ok so how does this sound?  Let's hang, chat, and enjoy as many rounds of mind blowing sex as possible during the storm.  How much fun would it be to see who can make the other one cum more times in the next 24 hours?  We'll have more than enough time to explore each others bodies and can take turns spoiling each other over and over.  I have dozens of condoms so we'll definitely be playing safe.

THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE. YOU SOUND HORRIBLE.  TAKE YOUR DOZENS OF CONDOMS AND CHOKE ON THEM.  ALL 36 OF THEM.  

"The Football Player"

I think I can do all the things you say and more, although usually I'd say I'm enough for 4 girls, happy to bring a friend or two if you are interested. I'm 6'4, 255, 27, live with a bunch of guys, all former football players with me in college. Currently in murray hill. 

Absolutely a great idea to invite three 255 pound football players to my home.  They couldn't kill me with a swipe of their hand AT ALL.  

"The Craigslist Regular" 

The way you can tell a post is real? :the use of uncommon words.
And you win with randy.
I love protecting sweet lil angels from danger.
But at times like to be a bit of a hurricane?
4 of you?
I could eat for days!
Just what i like.


Real women use the word Randy y'all, take note when writing your future craigslist posts.  There were a lot like these where I can't even find the words to express my disgust.  I HATE MEN.  

"The Poet"

I don't get the subject. "Sandy makes us randy"? Anyway I'd like to be your sun, and you guys can orbit around me like an electron in an atom.

He doesn't understand what the word randy means, but he like totally gets science.  

"The Tease"

Are you really ready for an incredible experience?





I feel bad posting pictures, but then I think, NAH.  IT'S MINE NOW.  THOSE ARE THE RULES OF THE INTERWEBZ BITCH.  And just take a look at that photo?  IZ YOU SOME SORT OF MODEL?

"The Eager Beaver"

If you like your privacy you can block your ID when you call me just 1st *67 then any number its free & I don't mind. Or should I call you? Don't forget to leave your number then. Its comfy for me over a call. Please don't be nervous its only a simple call remember there is no harm. To get to know someone a bit you can't do it over emails. Don't worry about what to say let me worry about that just be yourself. I'm not for reading lol I much rather hear your laughs its just better. Plus there is a lot of details to get into. It would be easier over the phone.  Its just that I would like to get this going to eventually meet. You could start by answering some of the same answer I did. How are you? I have added 3 photos. Now you Send some photos. Or talk here, text me?

CALM THE FUCK DOWN DUDE.  IT WILL ALL BE OKAY. 


"The Birthday Boy" 

All four of you will make a great birthday present. I just turned 33. Will you four be able to give me 33 hours of pleasure?

IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.  AND YOU ARE ON CRAIGSLIST.  OR YOU ARE A LIAR AND ARE EXPLOITING THE BEAUTIFUL CONCEPT OF BIRTHDAYS TO GET US TO FUCK YOU.  I SAY NO, SIR.   

"Pizza"



Hi Ladies, my name is Pizza.









To say I'm not a little intrigued would be a lie. THIS IS WHY I GET MYSELF INTO TROUBLE.  I would probably make out with him if he approached me in a bar.  NO I WOULDN'T.  WOULD I?  OMG WOULD I?  I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.  SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.  



AND THAT IS JUST A FEW OF THE GLORIOUS EMAILS I RECEIVED.  I would post some of the more salacious shots, but I also would like to keep my job and friends and what little dignity I have left.  If you really are in need of some dick pics, I've got plenty.  I can text you a few ;) 

I only responded to 2 people to notify them that they were actually really hot and should not be sending girls pictures on craigslist.  I just wanted to do a little mitzvah for the day, you know?  Maybe they just needed a boost of encouragement :) Or maybe they are just really handsome sex freaks and wanted to tie me up in their dungeon.  


So if there is anything we can learn from this little experiment it's this:


1) You can find anyone who will do anything on craigslist

2) I'm scared of everyone 

YAY!!!!!  


2 days later: "Did I miss out?" Yes, southern1, you did.