Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Being a Functioning Adult is Scary


Here's a list of my top 10 greatest fears at this moment in time.  If you ever wanna talk about traumatic brain injuries, I'm all ears.

1. Emergency Tracheotomy 
Shout out to my sweet beautiful angel goddess friend Maja (BOYS, SHE IS TAKEN), who introduced me to this concept and thus altered the course of my life forever.  Getting a dirty old pen stabbed into your throat?? WHAT COULD BE WORSE?  (You know what could be worse, 2 pens, if maybe the first one didn't work or something).  If I am ever in need of oxygen do not stab a pen in my throat.  Let me pass out and take me to a hospital (IF I AM UNABLE TO BREATHE DO NOT LET ME PASS OUT. YOU KNOW WHAT'S ANOTHER GREATEST FEAR THAT IS NOT ON THIS LIST BECAUSE I AM AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE AND HAVE TO HIDE THROUGH COMEDY? DEATH).  If you must stab a pen in my throat, knock me out first.  I'm not scared of you hitting me in the head with a frying pan so feel free.

2. One of those grates on the sidewalk collapses and I fall through
I'm sure this crosses everyone's mind, especially in New York, where they leave those grates that lead under restaurants just open and waiting for a drunk person to tumble down.  It's bound to happen to me at some point, I'm just not sure when.  Now, what I'm specifically fearful of is not the act itself.  I fall all the time. I constantly find bruises all over my body because, as my mom says, I am "not aware of my limbs." I'm mostly scared of the aftermath when the nightly news gets word of it.  I fear that they will announce, "ASPIRING ACTRESS FALLS THROUGH GRATE.  GRATE NOT BROKEN OR ANYTHING, SHE WAS JUST TOO HEAVY.  SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE EATEN ALL THOSE COOKIES DURING HURRICANE SANDY AND THEN SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL. MAYBE THAT IS WHY SHE IS STILL ASPIRING..."  Those nightly news guys can be real dicks.

3. Babies with Eye Patches
I just don't trust them.  They make me feel very queasy inside.  Especially when it isn't so much a patch as it  is an entire roll of gauze duct taped to their tiny face.

4. Babies with transition lenses 
See #3.

5. Getting stuck in clothes in a dressing room 
Zippers are tricky.  Too tricky.  And sometimes the simple task of removing an item of clothing is your life's greatest challenge.  You're in a small space, a little overheated, you hated the way that dress looked on you, your bangs are doing that weird cowlick thing again, and you suddenly start to panic.  What if I can't get it off?  What if I am stuck in this room forever?  Should I ask the sales lady to come and help me?  Will she laugh at my underwear that I ripped a hole in putting on because I am the Hulk?  What if I Hulk out and rip this dress?  Will I have to buy it?  Will they arrest me?  Would anyone bail me out?  Do I even really have any friends?  WHAT IS FRIENDSHIP?  WHAT IS LOVE? WHY ARE WE PUT ON THIS EARTH?  Zippers, man.

6. Anything that happened on ER or Grey's Anatomy 
That one episode where Cynthia Nixon has a stroke and she can hear and understand everything happening around her but she is completely paralyzed and unable to speak?  And her husband is like don't give her the surgery and she's screaming in her head DO IT DO IT I WANT IT but her mouth is completely still?  I LIVE FOR TV MEDICAL DRAMA.

7. Showing up for something that was cancelled but no one bothered to tell you or you're 5 hours early because you wrote it down wrong in your calendar or you weren't actually invited in the first place or it's the next day and you mixed it up or you're in the wrong place and everyone is staring at you or it didn't even exist in the first place and you're crazy.
I have a lot of social anxieties.  

8.   Dementors
duh. 

9.  Talking on the phone
I'm terrible at telephone communication.  I will respond to your text in approximately 4-7 days.  And I'll probably respond with the emojis of 2 girls dancing, a poodle, the asian geishas, a hamster, and a skull.  
If you choose to call me (only real men and adults do this) there is a 99% chance I will not answer.  If it is a 212 number I will answer because I will think it is Broadway (and it will be the delivery man).  One time my dad handed me the phone to talk to my grandma and I threw it across the room and burst into tears.  So please, call me tonight and we'll have a real nice chat about Anne Hathaway's accent. 


10. Ryan Gosling will never realize I am his true love
Do we really believe that Eva Mendes is smart and funny?  I need it to be proven to me. I get it.  She's a sexy Cuban model blah blah blah.  Her role model growing up was Cindy Crawford. She worked at Hot Dog on a Stick before she got her big break, so she like really UNDERSTANDS US PEASANTS (thank you wikipedia for these enlightening facts).  Sometimes I can blow dry my bangs so it doesn't look like I was attacked by a flock of birds on my face.  A man told me I have a Mariah Carey Smile.  I'm really trying to establish my web presence.  Can't that ever be enough?  


Sunday, February 17, 2013

For Lena

You guys, I have an addiction to craigslist.  Specifically, posting fake ads on craigslist.  I know, so Catfish of me. I'm 100% too neurotic to ever meet someone off of it (I was certain I was to be murdered the last time I sold concert tickets on it).  I love to talk that craigslist talk, but I could never walk the walk.  The "I messaged you on the internet for sex" walk.  But who really can?  

APPARENTLY A LOT OF PEOPLE.  

So a few weeks ago to celebrate the premiere of the HBO series "Girls" I thought I'd perform another social experiment.  WWLDD ya know?  

Here's the ad I wrote: 
**Not safe for children, or my parents, or former teachers, or anyone who likes me and thinks I am a sane human
**Also, these are not my opinions or feelings.  They are the words of a fictitious character.  I AM AN ACTOR.  

Treat my Heart Like Monkey Meat

As Lena Dunham says, 
I'm letting you know that it is okay to act on this fantasy because I am gross and so are you.  

It's the girls hbo premiere tonight and I want to celebrate in style. 

I'll let you do me from behind and talk to me like I'm a filthy 12 year old orphan.  I'll even let you cum on my tits if you're nice.  

I can't promise I won't text you after, but you don't ever have to respond.  I'll just pretend you died.  

Send pics. brooklyn awaits you.  




I would post the link to the ad but IT WAS FLAGGED FOR REMOVAL a day later.  YEAAAAHHH THAT'S HOW I DO.  CRAIGSLIST CAN'T HANDLE ME.  

Okay, so it's bad.  It's really bad.  And I was definitely asking for it with that tits line.  And the orphan thing.  Really all of it.  However, if you are a fan of the show, you know that everything I wrote is a direct reference to the show.  Turns out, not everyone on craigslist is a fan of the show, but a lot of people on craigslist are fans of fucked up shit.  

Once again, I thought maybe a few people would respond.  I assumed since the last post garnered so many responses, this might get some too.  

SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY.  BROOKYLN DUDES WERE GOING NUTS OVER THIS.  
almost 200 dudes to be exact.
200 messages.  
200 crazy people offering to let me watch their hbo and "pull my hair until I scream."  

Some guys claimed to have been searching for their own Lena Dunham.  Others clearly had no idea what the show is and simply wanted to do the terrifying things I had written.  And there were so many dick pics.  Dick pics galore.  I got 'em all.  I could start some sort of catalogue of different looking penises.  A binder of penis cards a la Pokemon.  We can do trades.  

I'll post some of the responses in another post, because going through them all right now is making me ill.  I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SLAM INTO ME WITH ALL NINE INCHES.  NO ONE WANTS THAT.  NO ONE.  

What is the lesson that came from all of this?  

1) Don't give your phone number to someone because you think it could enhance the comedy of your blog post.  That person will call you every day for 3 days, multiple times a day.  

2) I think craigslist is much more common than we think it is.  Once again, I was shocked to see among the creatures and nightmares, there were seemingly normal Brooklyn hipsters offering up their couches and premium cable to me.  Brooklyn hipsters who sent me photos of themselves dressed in fun bow ties posing in their friend's hipster wedding photo booth.  Brooklyn hipsters who sent me photos of them playing with their toddler nieces on the beaches of California.  

At the end of the day how different is craigslist from okcupid really?  Okcupid gives you a false sense of security because you "know" that someone likes Mumford and Sons, whiskey, and sriracha.  You know who else surely likes whiskey and sriracha? MURDERERS. (I'm not certain about Mumford and Sons...but then again who doesn't like mumford and sons AMIRITE).   I'll meet someone off okcupid if they send me a funny video of R. Kelly so perhaps it's really my own safety issues that need to be examined. From my experiences, okcupid is primarily a sex site under the guise of an internet dating site.  You can ask me about my improv team and take me for drinks and THAT DOES NOT MEAN I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.  Where was that implied?  I didn't sign any sort of contract.  I thought you wanted to hear my opinions on Hoarders (side note: judging from my last date, apparently not everyone thinks flat dead cats are hilarious).  

Essentially, meeting someone off the internet from any website be it craigslist, okcupid, vampirewitchhunt.com, etc. has some sort of risk involved.  If it seems like I am making a case for meeting people off craigslist, I am most certainly not.  In fact, I'm against online dating in general.  I'm against dating in general.  DOWN WITH LOVE. UP WITH OTHER STUFF.  

Well, this has taken a saddening turn.  My mother told me I've become too cynical about love.  PROVE ME WRONG WORLD.  

Remember that time we were talkin about dick pics?  Hahahahahahaha HILARITY. 







Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day!

"Cards for the okcupid generation"

plz contact me if u would like 2 buy 4 ur special someone.