It’s the second episode and there are 2 more bachelors who are ready for love! Two more sets of abs for long, luxurious montages! Thank you ABC!
From the initial introductions we learn that Ben’s body is SICK (I honestly cannot remember anything else. He does charity? He is a businessman? He has a boat? HE HAS ABS) and Ernesto, a philanthropist from Miami Beach, has never said I love you (BUT HE HAS BEACH ABS).
BODIES BODIES BODIES
ABS ABS ABS
We then meet their potential matches, a bunch of blonde ladies in bikinis.
BIKINIS BIKINIS BIKINIS
BEACH BODS BEACH BODS BEACH BODS
We meet a young virgin whose montage includes her ferociously working out in the gym and then lying tanned on a beach. We are also introduced to a bunch of nutjobs who listened to the soundtrack of Gypsy too long and brought some gimmicks to get ahead in the competition. THEATRE JOKE. NAILED IT.
When on a reality dating show:
Do not bring a live frog and make a joke about not having to kiss it anymore.
Do not make a fake wedding save the date and show it to your potential bachelor. ARE YOU AN IDIOT?
One girl whimpers, “Just before I left I was faced with the choice with keeping my job or taking a chance on finding love.” YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY. Can I have your job instead? You clearly didn’t deserve it as you lack any sense of judgment or reasoning skills. Also, why are the girls always on the verge of tears? They are all mentally unstable. This is a cry for help! HELP THEM. It is not healthy for someone to cry on a first date. Even I know that.
Oh and there’s a former Miss Puerto Rico and a former Miss America. Great.
As Seneca, a lawyer with multiple degrees, cried upon her immediate elimination, “You get all the education. That’s not what men want apparently.” PREACH GIRL. PREACH.
Ernesto sends all the ladies straight to COMPTON YALLLL to build a house for Habitat for Humanity. Cue montage of dream girls mixing concrete and ripping up floorboards in short shorts. Ernesto is very cute, but strangely incoherent. At one point when one of the girls asked him what qualities his ideal wife would have he stated, “I definitely want a wife that’s sweet that I can come to… your iphone dies you’re looking for a charger you’ve had a bad day I’m looking for my wife.” SAY WHAT? The girl sweetly smiled and nodded as if that made any sense. AT LEAST HE HAS ABS.
Ben, it turns out, went to Penn and works on Wall Street. He asks every girl the classic, “So why are you still single?” and even makes out with 2 of the girls on the first date. I’m certain I’ve seen him at Joshua Tree in Murray Hill getting FUCKED UP WITH HIS BROS. I’m certain he’s used that same line on me. But apparently his sister says he has every quality someone would want in a husband. And she’s NEVER met someone like that blah blah blah I don’t care.
WALKING WALKING WALKING
WALKING WALKING WALKING
He makes the girls do a mud run because he is athletic. We get it. Oh and a main twist this episode was that his ex-girlfriend is one of his matches. She spends the whole episode staring him down and whining a lot. Ben ends the date with the 9 girls saying it was the best day he’s ever had. Of course it is. You have 9 girls clawing each other’s eyes out for the chance to fuck you. (The girls love to preface statements with stuff like, “I just wanna say to you GIRL TO GIRL,” and then say something super passive aggressive and rude. It’s amazing).
The elimination is full of crying. SO many deep connections. SO many tears. SO much readiness for love.
“I can’t imagine going home without you,” one girl pleads.
You can’t imagine that? REALLY? TRY. JUST TRY.
You should probably imagine it, because it’s about to happen sweetheart.
Take an acting class. Get in touch with your inner child. Be open to possibility. BECAUSE YOU GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Can’t wait to see what happens this week. Who will cry? Whose life will be ruined when she isn't picked? GREAT JOB NBC. What are we teaching women? Quit your job, move from Europe, and fight it out with other girls for a man? NO THANK YOU.