Monday, October 7, 2013

Dating Lessons from Stephen Sondheim

As it's said in the classic musical Gypsy, "You gotta get a gimmick." It also says, "Get a feathered hat for the baby," but that's a whole other conversation we can have later.  What sort of hat?  Why does it have feathers on it?  Do we really think this is what the baby wants?


Of course, in Gypsy the gimmick refers to what can help you get ahead as a stripper on the vaudeville circuit, but the lesson truly applies in all areas of life.  In dating, it's helpful to find your niche. Perhaps your gimmick is your silky blonde hair or your talent for getting down low on the dance floor, or in my case perhaps it's the age old "Is she fun-crazy or actually mentally unstable?" question that may never be answered. I'm still searching for that answer myself as I watch videos of cats taking baths and debate whether or not I should cut my own bangs off. 

Here are some other great gimmick ideas that will help you lure in that hottie sitting across from you at CitiMD. Does he have a rash or perhaps a rare case of avian flu? Beggars can't be choosers, ladies. And his rash will probably go away.

1) BIG BOOBS
The easiest trick in the book. Put on a deep V and call it a day.

2) WEIRD VOICES
As we have all learned from Zooey Deschanel and her quirktacular vocal comedy, weird voices are adorable! Feel free to growl or sing like Louis Armstrong at the next fox who passes you on the street. Unless it is an actual fox, which in that case do not growl at it because it will most likely attack you.

3) PIRATE ACCOUTREMENTS
Bust out your costume box from under the bed (we all have these, right?) and put on your finest eye patch and peg leg. Extra points for stealing your neighbor's parrot and training it to say creepy pick up lines. People love pirates! A little dangerous, a little dirty, and definitely different than the other girls at the local bar. They can have their tube tops and heeled boots, give me scurvy and a glass eye any day!

4) A KEYBOARD 
My famed musical improv team recently had a show in Chinatown and I was responsible for bringing the keyboard. I hadn't received so much attention since the time I wore green exercise leggings down 9th avenue. Everyone wanted to talk to me! A man in Chinatown town tried to grab it out of my hands so he could play me a song! A man screamed YO STEVIE WONDER at me from his car! It was like I was a celebrity. A sweaty, sweaty celebrity who accidentally hit a child in the head on the subway with her musical gifts 

5) INTELLIGENCE
HAHAHAHA JKJKJKJKJKJKJK WHAT IS SCIENCE.

Embrace your quirks! Find what's interesting and exciting about you and share it with the world! Monologue as if you are the mom in The Glass Menagerie 24/7 no matter how many times someone tells you it's stopped being funny and you are certain to find a man who appreciates that just as much as you do. And if he doesn't, maybe your gimmick can just be MURDER. 



Feathered hats DO look great on babies.  Way to go Stephen Sondheim.