Wednesday, January 29, 2014

OkCupid Final Round Up: RIP Jewishhag

The deed is done.  I have deleted my Okcupid.  May Jewishhag live on forever in the memories of the men I ignored and then copied and pasted their messages onto the internet for the public to view.  Many apologies to all.  Hey, guess what, I'm still single, so guess the joke is on me.

I refused to go down silently.  I thought I'd have a little fun with my last few hours on the dating interwebs.  I should have known fun and dating and internet are three words that do not belong together (unless the sentence is I love the INTERNET because I can watch sphinx cat videos instead of DATING, which is so much more FUN).

I despise men who describe themselves as: 
easy going 
looking for a good time

I especially despise these statements:
I love to laugh 
I'm really good at making people laugh 

Are you?  Are you really?  Because I did zero laughing reading your profile.  I did laugh at the fact that you "spend a lot of time thinking about the human condition" because THAT IS ABSURD.  

I decided to change up my profile a bit and see what the responses would be.  First I changed my profile picture to this: 

Super sad.  Those are real tears.  I am a trained actor.  I'm currently seeking work, so please contact me with any opportunities.  

Please let it be known Jewishhag has been my username always and forever and it makes me laugh every time I think about it.  

Then, I edited my profile to reflect my inner turmoil.  

I tried to make it clear that I was JOKING.  You know because WE ARE ALL REALLY GOOD AT MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH.  

Pizza bagels are a very sad food.  One time when I was younger, I tried to make myself breakfast while my mom was at a meeting.  I made pizza bagels, spilled the entire tray as I was taking them out of the oven, realized they were undercooked, STILL ATE THEM, ate 2 tangerines, and barfed on the way to school.  

I obviously added "the human condition" but those are actually real things I had on my profile.  I am a lunatic.  Let's be real, the human body is crazy and genetic disorders are crazy and it would be so crazy if none of us had teeth.  What fun date discussion topics!


Apparently, once I put up that photo and added a lot about crying the okcupid algorithm went bananas and sent me into the lunatic pile.  

Many people were very concerned for me. 

HE TRIED OUT FOR AMERICAN IDOL TWICE. NOT ONCE BUT TWICE.  That is love. Get me to the church on time, because I'm gettin' married in the morning. 

Some just didn't understand. 

Oh sweet sweet bb.  There are so many things I could share with you.  

Others saw through my deceit.  

People were straight up weird.

And super racist.  

I do not want you kissing me.  I do not want you anywhere near me.  
He has a puppy in his profile photo as if he is a normal human!  DECEPTION.  DECEPTION.  DECEIT.  (I really want to be in The Glass Menagerie). 

RIP Jewishhag.  It was swell while it lasted.  Guess I'll have to meet people some other way.  Although, I'm currently in my room eating carrots and watching those goddamn sad videos on Upworthy, so we will see how long this lasts.  

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

OkCupid Weekly Roundup: Everyone is Still Horrible

The trauma continues. Here are some of this week's prospective sugar daddys: 

I don't usually like to post pictures, but I literally thought this man was a baby when the photo appeared in my inbox.  And I was all, how did a baby get on okcupid?  Someone save that little baby from sadness! 

I've always said I was looking for a nice Jewish boy and I finally found him.  

It is pretty hard to believe he's really a hasid though…He probably bought that costume at Ricky's.  

Oh man, things just got heavy.  Is okcupid really the place to be discussing this?  I always think it's amusing that people take their profiles so seriously.  Sure I have a lot of goals and aspirations, but I don't know if this is the forum to express those.  Which is why for awhile my profile just read "My self summary: IM AN OLD WITCH." 

I received some really special messages ;) 
(I'd like to express that sending me the winky face is equivalent to stabbing me in the eyeball) 

I googled this "massage" and apparently langham means penis. So a penis massage. So a hand job? I'm so glad I know this now because god knows I'd be sucked into someone asking me after yoga to give them a langham massage and I'd be like I guess okay, I just want people to like me, I crave attention, I'll do it.

Does he know you refer to him as your ashkenazi?  Because maybe that's why he is leaving.  But of course, I will replace him.  Because all Jews are the same.  AND WE ARE ALL WITCHES.  OLD, OLD WITCHES.  

I will be honest, I really don't understand this at all.  Is this supposed to be sexual?  Or violent?  Or both?  Either way, I do not need to find out.  

And finally, I received this message in August of 2011 during my 1st brief stint on OkCupid. (I delete it every few months in a panic and send texts to all my friends that say IM FREEEEEE).  I will never delete this and I will cherish it forever.  I give you MEDRASHER.  

I then received another message days later.  

I really miss him. 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

OkCupid Weekly Roundup

Here are the best (WORST) messages (NIGHTMARES) I received (WAS ASSAULTED BY) this week: 

hi you're hot. want to meet for drink now, with the intention of sex? I'm handsome, smart, etc. etc.(If this is something your interested in, I'll reply with pictures of course) I'm 30, white, and jewish

Do you enjoy foot massages?

You're adorable, so adorable in fact that I've decided I'm going 
to adopt you as my new little sister! Don't worry, we'll spend all our time 
climbing trees and drinking kool-aid. Actually you seem like a cool person, 
I'd love to get together sometime and 
let you cook for me haha.. Wait! You're not crazy, are you!?

Here's some sweet convos I had with a few of my potential life partners:  

The thing is, he is still messaging me and I cannot tell if he is kidding.  His profile says this: 

But it also says this: 

I really set myself up for this one: 
Is it so wrong to think that I thought maybe he would write back, "good ramen" or "delicious overpriced cocktails?"  You cannot put a picture of you with your grandma and mention kinky sex.  Those are the rules.  

And finally, the piece de resistance.  I give you, GurkMises. 

Sorry ladies, he is off the market.  Feel free to Skype him though.  

Sunday, January 5, 2014

FA LA LA LA- Why are you yelling at me?

A reflection on the holiday shopping season

As a sales associate in a major store in New York city, I've experienced any and all terrors you can imagine.  The snow starts falling, twinkling lights are hung with care, and a woman tells me I'm ruining her entire christmas because I can't call every store in New York to see if they have purple pants.  Yell at me about having too many pants to choose from, too few pants to choose from, the fat upper arms you just can't seem to get rid of, my fat upper arms I just can't seem to get rid of, etc.  I get it.  The holidays are hard.  Your family has been in the car the entire day because you needed to find the black jacket in a medium and it's my fault.  Of course it is.  I forced you to come here.  I used my jewish witchcraft to lure you into this store.

Those who truly struggle the most are the humans of the male variety.  Women can be mean and crazy, but most men are just severely clueless.  

Here are some quick tips to get that guy through holiday shopping! 

1) Know your girlfriend's favorite color, what she enjoys doing, her hobbies, what her size is.  Just know facts about your girlfriend so I don't have to stop and wonder if you are making her up.  If you aren't sure of what her general interests are, let's reconsider why you are getting her a gift in the first place. I don't think she really cares if the shirt you got her is my favorite color. Also, you complaining about how expensive this gift is does not sell to me the love and appreciation you feel for her. 

2) A green top and neon orange shorts do not go together. Are you color blind? Oh you are, well then I can help you with that. 

3) When I tell you what my size is so you can have a point of reference you do not need to emphasize hoooooow much smaller your tiny pixie child girlfriend is. WE GET IT. She's like so small.  Like HALF my size.  Like MORE than half my size.  Like take my leg and she's that size.  Like take my leg, have a dog eat half of it, and that's the size of her waist. 

4) I'm not flirting with you. I work here. If you say "my girlfriend" one more time I will choke you with a pair of pants. You have a girlfriend. I understand that. We are not in a bar. I'm approaching you because you look incredibly lost in the women's tops section. 

So some people are the worst, but sometimes people can be the greatest. A woman told me I should be on "So You Think You can Dance."  Obviously, she was straight up delusional, but I still appreciated the sentiment.  Plus, the level of cuteness of hot dads helping their kids buy their mom a gift had me having an aneurysm every hour.  What is it about hot dads, man?  Let me stroll around Prospect Park any day watching those dudes.  I digress.  

In conclusion, I hope everyone had a great holiday.  I hope you found all the gifts you needed and received everything you wanted.  Except for the lady who called me fat.  I hope you tripped and fell in the blizzard.  Blessings to all and to all a good night.