Sunday, January 5, 2014

FA LA LA LA- Why are you yelling at me?

A reflection on the holiday shopping season

As a sales associate in a major store in New York city, I've experienced any and all terrors you can imagine.  The snow starts falling, twinkling lights are hung with care, and a woman tells me I'm ruining her entire christmas because I can't call every store in New York to see if they have purple pants.  Yell at me about having too many pants to choose from, too few pants to choose from, the fat upper arms you just can't seem to get rid of, my fat upper arms I just can't seem to get rid of, etc.  I get it.  The holidays are hard.  Your family has been in the car the entire day because you needed to find the black jacket in a medium and it's my fault.  Of course it is.  I forced you to come here.  I used my jewish witchcraft to lure you into this store.

Those who truly struggle the most are the humans of the male variety.  Women can be mean and crazy, but most men are just severely clueless.  

Here are some quick tips to get that guy through holiday shopping! 

1) Know your girlfriend's favorite color, what she enjoys doing, her hobbies, what her size is.  Just know facts about your girlfriend so I don't have to stop and wonder if you are making her up.  If you aren't sure of what her general interests are, let's reconsider why you are getting her a gift in the first place. I don't think she really cares if the shirt you got her is my favorite color. Also, you complaining about how expensive this gift is does not sell to me the love and appreciation you feel for her. 

2) A green top and neon orange shorts do not go together. Are you color blind? Oh you are, well then I can help you with that. 

3) When I tell you what my size is so you can have a point of reference you do not need to emphasize hoooooow much smaller your tiny pixie child girlfriend is. WE GET IT. She's like so small.  Like HALF my size.  Like MORE than half my size.  Like take my leg and she's that size.  Like take my leg, have a dog eat half of it, and that's the size of her waist. 

4) I'm not flirting with you. I work here. If you say "my girlfriend" one more time I will choke you with a pair of pants. You have a girlfriend. I understand that. We are not in a bar. I'm approaching you because you look incredibly lost in the women's tops section. 

So some people are the worst, but sometimes people can be the greatest. A woman told me I should be on "So You Think You can Dance."  Obviously, she was straight up delusional, but I still appreciated the sentiment.  Plus, the level of cuteness of hot dads helping their kids buy their mom a gift had me having an aneurysm every hour.  What is it about hot dads, man?  Let me stroll around Prospect Park any day watching those dudes.  I digress.  

In conclusion, I hope everyone had a great holiday.  I hope you found all the gifts you needed and received everything you wanted.  Except for the lady who called me fat.  I hope you tripped and fell in the blizzard.  Blessings to all and to all a good night. 

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