Wednesday, January 29, 2014

OkCupid Final Round Up: RIP Jewishhag

The deed is done.  I have deleted my Okcupid.  May Jewishhag live on forever in the memories of the men I ignored and then copied and pasted their messages onto the internet for the public to view.  Many apologies to all.  Hey, guess what, I'm still single, so guess the joke is on me.

I refused to go down silently.  I thought I'd have a little fun with my last few hours on the dating interwebs.  I should have known fun and dating and internet are three words that do not belong together (unless the sentence is I love the INTERNET because I can watch sphinx cat videos instead of DATING, which is so much more FUN).

I despise men who describe themselves as: 
easy going 
looking for a good time

I especially despise these statements:
I love to laugh 
I'm really good at making people laugh 

Are you?  Are you really?  Because I did zero laughing reading your profile.  I did laugh at the fact that you "spend a lot of time thinking about the human condition" because THAT IS ABSURD.  

I decided to change up my profile a bit and see what the responses would be.  First I changed my profile picture to this: 

Super sad.  Those are real tears.  I am a trained actor.  I'm currently seeking work, so please contact me with any opportunities.  

Please let it be known Jewishhag has been my username always and forever and it makes me laugh every time I think about it.  

Then, I edited my profile to reflect my inner turmoil.  

I tried to make it clear that I was JOKING.  You know because WE ARE ALL REALLY GOOD AT MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH.  

Pizza bagels are a very sad food.  One time when I was younger, I tried to make myself breakfast while my mom was at a meeting.  I made pizza bagels, spilled the entire tray as I was taking them out of the oven, realized they were undercooked, STILL ATE THEM, ate 2 tangerines, and barfed on the way to school.  

I obviously added "the human condition" but those are actually real things I had on my profile.  I am a lunatic.  Let's be real, the human body is crazy and genetic disorders are crazy and it would be so crazy if none of us had teeth.  What fun date discussion topics!


Apparently, once I put up that photo and added a lot about crying the okcupid algorithm went bananas and sent me into the lunatic pile.  

Many people were very concerned for me. 

HE TRIED OUT FOR AMERICAN IDOL TWICE. NOT ONCE BUT TWICE.  That is love. Get me to the church on time, because I'm gettin' married in the morning. 

Some just didn't understand. 

Oh sweet sweet bb.  There are so many things I could share with you.  

Others saw through my deceit.  

People were straight up weird.

And super racist.  

I do not want you kissing me.  I do not want you anywhere near me.  
He has a puppy in his profile photo as if he is a normal human!  DECEPTION.  DECEPTION.  DECEIT.  (I really want to be in The Glass Menagerie). 

RIP Jewishhag.  It was swell while it lasted.  Guess I'll have to meet people some other way.  Although, I'm currently in my room eating carrots and watching those goddamn sad videos on Upworthy, so we will see how long this lasts.  

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