Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Human Again

What's so exciting about being alive, besides free samples, watermelon, really tiny babies that look like old men, and flavored lip glosses that make your lips tingle and taste like slurpees, is that little old thing called free will. Free will, you're probably thinking, it sounds familiar, and yet so very far away.  We're all so wrapped up in pleasing one another and doing what we think is the "right thing" and making everyone happy but ourselves, that we forget, "Wait, I can do whatever the hell I want." I can make my own decisions.  I can eat what I want for dinner (cookies). I can buy what I want to buy (cookies). I can marry who I want to marry (cookies).  And yet. OH AND YET.  Somehow we get ourselves into these crazy situations where we are dating someone for 3 months because we feel like we have to?  We are working at a terrible job that we despise because we NEED to?  HAWHAT?  That's crazy talk.

(it's so scary)

If you don't want to date me, then don't date me. Goddamnit somebody call up Cosmo Magazine and have me hired because I am a dating wizard.  And yes I'm talking to you. And you. AND YOU. AND YOU. Because it's everyone. We all treat each other like garbage and somehow it's okay.  We wait 5 days to respond to a text (IT IS 2014 WE ALL GET HOW PHONES WORK).  We cancel on dates hours before.  We like each other, but we both pretend like we don't like each other, and then eventually ending up not liking each other because we can't tell if we actually like each other? GARBAGE.

I'm not garbage. Sometimes I find garbage in my purse or cookies in my hair, but I am not made of trash. At least not yet. One day all of our parts will be replaced with recycled materials.  Then, you can treat me like garbage. Actually, probably by then all of our hearts will be replaced with stone or rocks or wires and we won't feel anything anyways.  But, then what's the point of being a human?  If you don't want to feel anything, then go ahead and be a toaster.  Should I be embarrassed because I know what I like and dislike?  Should I be embarrassed because I have reactions to the people and things around me?  I AM A HUMAN.  Go live in a cave if you can't "deal with people." Poor Lumiere and Mrs. Potts wanted so badly to be human again, but they were stuck as household objects and we are just wasting our human bodies.  I don't want to be a candlestick. DO YOU?


As humans, we get to feel all the horrible, terrible, amazing, barfy things.  There is nothing like the specific sharp pain in your stomach when you see your ex-boyfriend riding his bike down the street in Queens and there is nothing like the giggly heart exploding joy of hearing your friend say she bought that denim crop top and skirt ensemble. Should we just eliminate feelings all together and pretend to be robots?  I want to love and dance and eat as many ribs as I can and I'm excited about that.  And I will shout that from the rooftops.  I LOVE RIBS AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.

If you like someone (a person or a specific kind of cooked meat) why should you pretend not to?  That's straight up crazy talk. Tell them.  Tell them to their dumb face and if they can't handle it they they are even more dumb than you previously assumed. And if you don't like someone, tell them too.  Because yeah you could just stop communicating with someone altogether and they'd get the message but that's SHITTY.  SHITTY SHITTY GARBAGE PEOPLE do that.  

Spread the feelings.  Get mad.  Cry in front of a Best Buy. Yell at someone in a Shake Shack. Tell someone how you really feel after eating ramen noodles (unless you're gonna break up with that person because you really don't have to pay for my dinner if you're just gonna be like BYYYYEEEE right after) #SPECIFICS


Mayonnaise, someone's gonna wanna makeout with you, I promise. It's just not me.

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