Monday, January 18, 2016

Revenge (AKA I love to WIN)

Going through a break up is hard*.  Going through a break up without getting the last word in is even harder.  There’s so much you want to say, but really if you were to try to speak only sobs would erupt from your mouth volcano.  I get it.  You can say, “No I really do want to stay friends, too,” in the moment and then days later realize that’s completely untrue.  Why would I want to stay friends with you?  You are a trash monster.  Sometimes I wish I could just rewind and say all the things I really wanted to say but then it would just be the movie Click and we all saw that turned out, am I right, Adam Sandler? 

I know it isn’t about “winning” and it really never should be.  However, sometimes you just want a little piece of REVENGE. Just a piece.  Just a sliver of that revenge pie. Don’t eat the whole pie, because you’ll be sick in the middle of the night and probably wake up with a face rash, but maybe just a nibble.  To revenge or not to revenge is always the question.  People say that weird phrase, Let sleeping dogs lie.  No, wake that dog up!  And tell him what a piece of garbage he is.  I went through a really fun phase where I decided I needed to “express my truth” at all times.  It was LUNACY for sure and I confidently believed I was some sort of truth angel sent to earth, but in some ways it was good.  It helped me to express my desires clearly, to state when I felt someone was treating me the wrong way, and one time I professed my love to someone.  LOL.  Honestly, live your truth and confess to someone your pining feelings for them, but be prepared to be returned with THEIR truth.

When I say revenge I don’t mean getting your ex-boyfriend fired and then seeing him lying homeless in a gutter as a street urchin (THOUGH HILARIOUS IMAGE).  Sometimes it’s just nice to see an ex-lover at a Trader Joe’s when you’ve just showered and your hair is blow dried and your stomach looks kind of flat in your high waisted jeans.  You can think to yourself, “DAMN, I look good and he is missing out on this fine piece of ass.” And then you can go home and eat every last piece of the $100 of groceries you bought in one sitting and feel great. 

I know everyone says to just be the bigger person, but sometimes I want to be that girl in the movie who storms into the coffee shop and TELLS IT LIKE IT IS.  Listen up world it’s me, Rachel McAdams, and I have something to say (knocks over tip jar and says, “Here’s a tip: Don’t be an asshole!”)! That just seems so much more satisfying, doesn’t it?  Granted in the real life version of this, we’re at a CVS instead of a coffee shop and I’m buying rash cream and have just knocked over a whole shelf of Depends, but like still, REVENGE.  (In that scenario, I would knock over the adult diapers and scream, “I could never DEPEND on you, you piece of SHIT!”  Honestly, guys, my writing is just MEANT for the SILVER SCREEN.  I didn’t even realize it until now). 

So until the day that I confront my ex-lovers/garbage people I will write speeches in my head and fantasize about an entire store applauding me as I shout, “I AM A MILLION TIMES HOTTER AND FUNNIER THAN YOU.  GARCON, TAKE OUT THIS TRASH.” Or I’ll just wait it out until I forget their names and silly haircuts and then publish a tell-all memoir that hints at just enough so they know it’s them. 

*I didn't break up with my boyfriend. We are still living a PERFECT LIFE free of trash.  This piece goes out to the former trash boxes across the USA.